Two-year molars!

And other trips to h*ll! We have reached the end of the teething and it is a nightmare. Fevers from 99 to 102 at any time of day or night. EFP is in such pain she ASKS for "meds Mommy, please!" I mean have you ever heard of a two-year old ASKING for meds? Of course - mine also asks for shrimp now - so I have come to expect that from her. We needed no fireworks for the 4th - we had our own. EFP is miserable... and so I have been a virtual prisoner on my little mini-break. Oh well, the down time is good for us, we are usually so busy that any excuse to relax is welcome. She did go swimming for a bit tonight and we did make one trip to Targette - for the dollhouse bookcase (SALE!) and I have finally organized the toybee section of the LR and now her books, little peeps and all the playduh stuff is organized and easy to reach. Whoopee!! EFP can now count to 20 in English, 10 in Spanish & ASL, and 5 in Mandarin. Is my baby the BOMB or what?


It has also become abundantly clear we will be waiting a very long time for EFP's sibling. I am not upset - I knew going in that the wait would be long, I am just worried that by the time we get a referral we would have become sort of out of love with the idea of adding another child and that is when the panic sets in. I mean we are still sort of working on making our life work with one child - I can't imagine how adding another is going to be, especially when we won't know for a few years even what gender the child would be. Apparently at a recent meeting with our agency the CCAA confirmed that a 2.5 to 3 year wait for those of us currently in process has been deemed probable. I went into this thinking that would be fine - one day care bill at a time and all.. now, back aching from aforementioned organizing, baby holding, comforting and other miscellaneous motherings that I just wonder if I will still want another in 3 years. My agency released a new waiting child list - and there are some adorable babies - any of whom I would be so lucky to parent - but the day care dilemma and not having enough time saved to be able to travel and then stay home for even a little while loom as huge problems. Will the idea of starting all over again in 3 years have lost some of its allure after so long? ACH! (like Bill the Cat). I don't know, I guess we will see. Oh - and FINALLY after ONLY 10 months.. we are a licensed foster family! yea us.

WAAAAHHH!!!

I am writing tonight from my hotel room in Austin Texas. I miss my little one so much it is a physical ache. Who knew this would happen? She and her daddy are doing great - so far she asks for me but is able to be distracted. Daycare says she is doing great - had a little melt down when another Mommy arrived and I guess she realized that I had not dropped her off.. it is so hard to be so far away!

I heard a speaker today who introduced herself by saying she had 7 children!! And oddly everyone clapped for her.. me loudest of all because I have one and it is hard to manage being a professional and Mom. She has a successful career and apparently 7 wonderful children and 2 granchildren. Mom is definitely the harder job. In some ways my feminist side says... why do they have to mention the children when presenting a professional women do they routinely do that when introducing impressive men? No - but then I realize that it is a major accomplishment to have both and we all know that many Moms who work do the lion's share of the child and home care so it takes a really amazing woman to do it well and succeed at either. Someday I hope someone introduces me and remembers that I am a Mom... as well as a professional.

But I can't write more - I miss my baby too much. Can not wait to get home and see her little face - give her big hugs. I hope she is not like the cats who prefer to just ignore me when I get home from a trip of this length. Tomorrow I will have a break so I can get a little shopping in.. the shop here at the Hyatt has a ton of Hello K*tty things so I may dive into that. I am trying not to succumb to whatever it is that is kicking me - I skipped the entertainment this evening so I could rest up a bit. What a whimp. But I do not want to get home to just collaps in a heap!!
So that is all the news.. continue to enjoy the pics til I can post some more - I am hoping for some first real haircut pics soon!!

One Year Ago Today.... (Part 1 of a Multipart Series)

Maybe the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about!!

..............I was beside myself with grief as yet another birthday (yet another milestone) had passed with no baby, no news of our baby and no idea when/if there would ever be a baby. I was anxious, scared, embarrassed, grieving and trying desperately to hold onto whatever hope I could find. I would fall apart at the slightest provocation and dissolve into tears if someone as much as looked like they MIGHT ask when we were expecting our referral. The entire landscape of adoption from China changed while we were in process.... all of a sudden mere days worth, rather than the month's worth, of referrals would be sent causing the wait to lengthen inexplicably and for the uncertainty to reach a fever pitch. We were in the thick of it for sure! I have already written at length of how much my different circles of friends helped me get through the wait - so I won't go there again but honestly I am still grateful for all the support I received during the crazy wait.

I had no faith then - last year. No faith that either of the two jurisdictions would actually provide what they promised. I was still so convinced that I was undeserving of that which I most desperately wanted. In spite of the mountain of evidence that a range of people had examined every single aspect of my life as well as DH's and promised us that we would be parents. I still harbored the result of years of bitter disappointment, unfulfilled promises and working towards things that would never be forthcoming. I am still under the impression that I will usually not get what I want.. but every so often the universe throws me a curve ball. Just to see if I am paying attention or something. Oh what a curve ball!

Most of the parents we waited with have put all this behind them and many are embarking on new journeys toward other children. I have put it behind in the sense that I don't dwell on it any longer but I don't think I have made peace with it yet. I do know I don't feel the same angst, obviously I don't have a heck of a lot of time for that these days anyway! I have yet to write the LONG letter I owe the agency for their part in this. I have since come to learn to that there must be a written policy some where that says if a client starts to complain or gets to questioning the service aspect they respond with condescension and imply that the complainer is in fact high strung, inflexible, unable to handle the trip and they throw in, for good measure, the mention of a sick or absent child. Just to prey on a new parent's worst fear. We get all the way to China and something is wrong with the child... can you imagine anyone writing that policy? As if waiting and everything else is a walk in the park and when they are less than forthcoming in information etc. and you react as most people would - they try to make you seem crazy for advocating for yourself! Yea, that letter is most over due.. do know we will not be using that agency again!

We do think we want another child... I am not interested in the uncertainty of waiting for another baby though. I think we will take a chance and try a child. One year ago I wasn't sure we would have one child and now very often I can see 2 or 3 before we hang up this particular towel! LOL. So much has happened in the intervening year that I hardly know how to catalog all the events. I do know I have made so much peace with those things that have plagued me and held back my vision of who I could be. I have been writing quite a bit and I believe I may work up the courage to submit a few things here and there. I also have some small plan for my career that may mean things happening in a good way for a change. Not sure exactly what will happen - but we'll see. We still have a few classes to complete to get certified as foster parents - its been a real exercise in catharsis for me. I don't dwell on the fact that I was a foster child once upon a time - but I was and it gives me a perspective that most of the people in our class do not have. I don't talk about it all that much in class - so far only once. I don't purport to have all the answers but I know what would not have worked well enough. I also know that the shame of appearing on some one's doorstep is not something erased over night or, honestly, ever. It has been good though for me to be there and in some measure for my DH (child of privilege though he be) to hear what foster care really is and, perhaps even more important, what it is not. Our foster child(ren) - when he/she/they get here - will have some comfort in knowing that I understand all too well how it feels and that I am more than willing to do whatever it will take to advocate for him/her. They may be too young to know what that all means, but I think they will feel it and I will do my best to be some comfort.

In the meantime - and just to add to the craziness - we are seriously considering a waiting child. I have made some inquiries about her medical situation and I am waiting for more information before we complete the petition but I can't get her little face out of my heart and although I have some concerns about my ability to deal with her medicals.. there is something about her that is so sweet it just tugs at me. Of course I have also decided that there is practically NO child I can not love. I just love children and there is no end to it. I don't think I ever saw myself as one of those earth mother types who has a house full of children etc. but sometimes I feel like whatever we can do either domestically or internationally for children is still not quite enough. 1 child or 10 I would try to be a good mom deserving of the children.

All my happiness

This is what all the fuss is about! This little face and thousands more like it. Maybe the face is a little browner or a little whiter, maybe the hair is curlier or blonder or maybe older and maybe it comes with a few matching faces - maybe the child is a boy. Adoption has been in the news alot lately thanks to "The MAterial One. " I don't think that the root of what she and her DH did are actually evil - I guess I just feel that there are questions that need to be answered in terms of flouting a number of regulations and laws. Is it always OK to use money or position to get one's heart's desire? What if it comes at the expense of another human? Do I get how ironic that is - given that my own heart's desire came at the expense of a birth mother cruelly forced to abandon her child - MY CHILD. EFP is ONLY my child because she was unable to be someone else's child. Would I wish the other alternative on my precious child - that of a lifetime of institutionalization and little if any real love? No, I do not and will not concede that she (or any child) would be better off living that way. The particular child in question (not mine, the Material One) would most certainly have faced a life of abject poverty and some amount of institutionalized care with (maybe) periodic visits from his bio relatives. Is the child better off... maybe. I would not want to be the one who has to explain all this to him in some years when he is old enough to read. When the child is old enough to understand part of his story and not the subtlety of what happened - when he finds out all the particulars of his birth, abandonment and eventual adoption. I can even imagine the day where some kids in a schoolyard torment him with the idea of his being taken from his birth country and transplanted to wherever it is he lands finally. Reading about his poor illiterate father and impoverished birth circumstances.

I think about that all the time about my own family. I mean I know all the ugly circumstances there are to know about how I was born, what this is to know of my family's uglier moments and I accept them - I worry about what EFP will say when she realizes all there is to realize about her life, how a birth mother left her at the gate of the children's welfare institute. That it was her gender and nothing more that made the decision for her parent(s) to part with this beautiful, smart, healthy absolutely amazing baby. What will she think of the circumstances of our adopting her? Will she see it as robbing her of her birthright - the land and culture with 10,000 years of history stacked against her. Where less than 100 years ago feet were still bound to make virtual prisoners of her fore mothers. Will she think of her adoption as I think of it - that I wanted to be a mother and she had none - so I brought her home to love and care for? That I really do think that being in a family is better... and that I thank whatever powers there are in the universe for bringing me THIS child? How could I not?

I don't know what the eventual outcome of all this will be. There are many voices against international adoption - many that say countries should work harder to identify and support families within countries to adopt those children that can not be cared for by birth families and that only rarely and under exceptional circumstances should children be adopted out of the county and culture. Frankly - I see an end to the racism and hegemony that permeates this planet with international adoption that is probably the best reason to continue the programs - indeed to enforce the Hague Convention and send all kids who can not be cared for by birth families into other countries... how can you possibly hate the people who made your child? When you know that it is possible that the family of your child is still there... don't you think that there would have to be some measure of peace if some part of the world's children were being loved and raised in other parts of the world - or is that the Utopian in me showing?

See the hard part is looking into that face - thinking that someday she may regret MY choice when no matter what I will never regret mine. It's tough - people tell me how lucky SHE is to have us - and I say no, WE, her parents, are the lucky ones. The world is lucky to have this amazing child growing up in it.

Welcome Princess!

Hey - Who took my Newsweek?


Our Friend at Rebecca Knits was delivered of a 9lb 1 oz baby girl yesterday September 8, 2006 Mom and daughter are doing great - and we all thought she would be a he! Ha!! We are sooooo excited to welcome one more little royal one into the fold! Happy Birthday Princess!

We are utterly sunk today! Nothing I need to get done is getting done. Shocking lack of sitters and my own illness is forcing me to stay at home and rest. In a strange way it is good - EFP is in the midst of what surely will be a record setting nap 3.5 hours so far and I think it is the hectic week catching up to her. She woke on her own just once this week so I think she is feeling the effects of her new schedule as well as the increase in activity in her new room at the center. After labor day she moved up to the Toddler 2 room and has been outiside on all but the worst weather days. Her classmates are exactly the same as her former room mates as they pretty much moved up together. So she is back with the boys and the one little girl in the new room - though she does have a new teacher. She seems to be doing fine - though her tiredness today has me a little freaked out. I mean the kid is a champion sleeper - but a nearly 4 hour nap... though I guess the hour she was awake last night insisting on being rocked could also account for some of this as well as the increased tiredness.

We have a busy busy fall ahead with some kind of activity almost every weekend including a trip to Vermont in October. Our postplacement visit is Monday afternoon and I am looking forward to being done with all the reports and picture generating. I think there may be one more report in February or March for our year anniversary, but honestly these reports are a little tedious after the first one. Granted we have few, if any, issues so I have tried my best to merely chart her progress and continued happiness in our family. Could anything be better...

I have given some thought recently to the strange turn of events. For whatever reason we were meant to travel down this road and bring this child home, but bringing her home has added so much to our lives in ways I could never have predicted. Aside from the absolute angels I have become friends with that I could only have become friends with through the miracle of adoption, there are so many things I would not have understood are part and parcel of this process. How much more I appreciate all the many kindnesses shown our child and our family. It's true that I have always appreciated a good friend - but it means so much more now that friends seem willing to take her into their heart as well. It also means I appreciate the miracles that happen every day.. a quick conversation with a friend who has been on my mind.. and note that says I miss you too. A friend giving birth to yet another miracle and the circle that has been protecting all of us all along.

Perhaps I am a little inclined to meditate these days I think September has become an excellent time for us all to take stock of those intangibles and give thanks for those we have in our lives that make it special. It's probably also because some big changes are coming and while some may make us temporarily sad - knowing that our friends are happy and fulfilled, no matter where on earth, makes us happy also. I also know from personal experience that true and good friends are never more than a heartbeat or kind thought away.