My luck is holding...

So far so good!! The chat yesterday seems to have worked.. I wouldn't say she was exactly happy with me but she is behaving herself and seems at least to accept that this is the reality. We have been able to shop, eat and walk without much in the way of incident! YAY!  She is adorable when happy... really sweet and can I say -  that this is without a doubt the class valedictorian?? She is very very smart!! No question.. she can sing Happy Birthday in English and count to 100, say her ABCs etc. She reads many characters.. and recognizes things beyond her years. We were walking on Shamian Island and she saw a yellow taxi and she began to hail the cab like a pro!! She is extremely westernized in her behavior and actions!!  I could have howled with laughter the way she refused to use a squatty - but today at the cow and bridge *YUMMO* she used it like she knew what she was doing when there was no choice... she is very funny!!  She is so very independent - it will be interesting when we get home whether she rubs off on EFP & EBB or if they rub off on her.. she doesn't want anyone to do for her anything she feels she can do herself, which is probably how she has been taught.  I will take the peace and happiness while I can get it. This is so much BETTER!!!!

Come to Jesus and Sticky Uppies!

So just after I posted last time (or during really) I had called our guide out of sheer desperation and begged her (not that I needed to beg) to come speak to Sassy Pants about her behavior and what was going on. She had had a fit so bad - I didn't know what to do - so I stuck her in the tub and hoped that some warm water and bubbles would turn the tide - it did not.

Susan spoke with her seriously for quite a while.. and tried to get to the bottom of why the awful behavior and acting out.. she actually hurt me this time.. and was in serious danger of hurting herself or someone else.  Well - the upshot is she is mad at her foster mom for sending her back to the orphanage, mad at the world and having a Mama to tell her what to do etc. is not part of her plan for anger management. Some of what is happening is absolutely because of language issues.. she was freaking out because we had been sitting in the first seat but another family joined our group and they have a child who uses a wheelchair and now that child must be in the first seat - but our daughter's tummy hurts in the back - and she thought I wouldn't help her. Susan set her right on that.. so we will be in the next seat whenever we can.   She wants to do lots of things herself.. and that is fine.. but she needed to understand she can't throw herself around, etc. or I will have to pick her up and hold her to keep her safe. She doesn't like being held much right now - so that is part of the bargain. She doesn't tantrum and I don't hold on to her.

Tonight after Susan left.. the child was a NEW GIRL! She was absolutely delightful.. singing.. dancing.. letting me do her hair and even took a little walk to 7-11 for milk and water without incident.  It was indescribable.. how sweet and funny she is.. when she is happy the world is happy!! Some of the pics are blurry because she wouldn't stop dancing around... this is what I was hoping for!!

Publish Post

Here is what we have all been waiting for:

Well what have we here?

After a morning of the worst tantrums anyone on two continents has ever seen.. Saturday evening, and believe me I wish I knew what affected the change, we saw again the sweet little imp that is ESP's potentially sweet personality.

 She raged all morning into breakfast.. threw herself on the floor, banged her head on the wall, etc. Then out in public - though (and this is so interesting) she was calm as can be during the medicals - but raged when I tried to take her to lunch.. go figure.  She threw a fit on the street at Shamian Island so bad she banged her head on the concrete sidewalk... and had to be physically wrestled into a stroller (which, lets face it I needed at that point so no bargaining!)  to keep her from giving herself a concussion or worse. It was a sight actually. She was subdued during lunch...  you wouldn't think a tiny creature weighing less than 30lbs soaking wet could cause such an uproar but she does. She absolutely can't stand that I keep sticking around and making her do things.. like wash, dress (in all new clothes) shop, eat, sleep, brush teeth, and put up with me.  Hard to believe I could be so mean!! 

Lauren and Luke are doing really well - we did make it over to the island and had a great lunch at Cow and Bridge..

In the meantime we left to go to Yun Tai Park (botanical gardens) and then dim sum lunch - she did ok but even the sight of me gets her worked up (can I say I can't wait to go home and be able to hand her to Daddy for a bit! I feel like my arms and fingers are broken from grabbing her and holding her while she rages.) and the tantrums start anew. When we left the dim sum place I had hoped to go to the pearl and jade market but she was freaking out when we left the restaurant and the streets were mobbed with people - we could hardly get outside the restaurant - so we didn't go shopping just went back to the hotel where she refused to get off the bus. I forced her to sit in the stroller and go to Starbucks.. and she was so outrageous that a nice British women told me to go sit down and she bought me a latte! I really must look pathetic.. this 29 lb child is beating the crap out of me. I honestly am wondering if there IS something wrong with her. I mean - she can rage for HOURS on end... then yell at me as if I were the one causing all the trouble!!  I have to restrain her from hurting herself and it is really taking a toll on my body - and I am sure hers. She is so thin and small I worry the way she flings herself around and judging from the  marks on her  -- she is no stranger to boo boos!! Honestly - I am just worn down. I want to get on a plane and go home to my husband and children and frankly - whether or not she gets on the plane is starting to be immaterial. I cannot imagine her raging for 13.5 hours on a plane.. I really can't. I don't even really want to.

This time is so different from the others.. I mean sure, EBB was a tough nut to crack and it took a while for it not to be hard.. but this is one tough cookie.   The guide, Susan, came to my room after I put in a sort of frantic call.. and had a LONG talk with her. She does not want to go back to the orphanage - she does want to go home with me.. but she is confused, upset and doesn't really understand what is happening.  She is concerned about her foster parents.. and didn't know they were closing their home to more children after the last one leaves.  So now, after the long and heartfelt chat - she is her charming self again. She is really quite smart and adorable.. if only she would stay that way for longer then a few moments. 

A Christmas Tree Lights in GuangZhou and some smiles (but not for me)

Tonight we attended the annual lighting of the Garden Hotel Christmas tree with Christmas songs sung by a local children's school and kids from the Guangzhou SWI. It was disconcerting.. since it is about 70 degrees... and we are in China.. to hear holiday music sung by a "choir" in the lobby of a very fancy hotel.  (I am very aware this is not the information you are interested in.. so I am sticking this in the front!) We had a nice Italian dinner at a local restaurant and it wasn't bad... actually. Then I stopped for a (well-deserved) Frappucino!

The day with Empress Sassy Pants was pretty much a wash - neither better nor worse. She tantrumed some in the morning... but was ok in the room alone with me. She didn't really freak out much at all - just either contradicted me, ignored me or told me off in 6 year old's Mandarin.  She did eat well... and we were able to color. She does like me drawing pictures for her and writing things for her to copy - so we managed well - but I did not attempt to leave the room.  A few of the families with older kids (mix of newly adopted, bio or previously adopted kids) stopped by and she has fallen in love with one of the older boys.. so he was able to tease some smiles out of her.. and at dinner she had a lot of fun with the big girls and her new beau.  She has not actually decided she hates ME or that she does not want to be adopted... she just doesn't like what I say or do that has anything to do with her!!  We did get on watching Chinese soap operas... personally I like "Chair Alone on Beach" and she likes "Ancient Chinese Soap" though I don't follow either story .. but there is a lot of screaming, running, fainting, dying, smoldering looks, guilty looks, ominous music and people popping up all over the place!! Very interesting... wish they had English subtitles!

So here are some very cute pics from today - just remember I didn't have anything to do with them!

Today sucks and a chicken head.

So my little person who doesn't like me.... screamed most of the day - except when we were in the park. I made the mistake of letting our fabulous guide help too much and now she thinks she is being abandoned by yet another person... ugh.  She has been absolutely horrible today... screaming, kicking, hurting herself.. everything you can think of... all part of her intense grieving and inability (developmentally) to understand what is going on. She hasn't actually said she doesn't like me.. she just wants me to go away. When we got back to the room - she was exhausted but she was screaming herself (full blown full contact tantrum complete with kicking, throwing etc.) raw.. and finally fell asleep.. I rocked her for about an hour - but she will not bend at all.

Tonight I decided to stay in and keep things quiet.. and when Vicky left she had another full blown tantrum - then she calmed somewhat when everyone stopped by with some left over dinner... very left over, I might add. They brought the chicken head as a joke and a few bites of whatever. I can not tell you how un-funny it was. Upset as I am - not having eaten all day (not much breakfast because her majesty wasn't cooperative) no time for lunch and then a not funny dinner.. when everyone left the tantrum started all over again. Now she has exhausted herself to sleep in her clothes.. and screamed for Ayi (I am actually thinking she means Susan the guide) for about 30 minutes before falling into an exhausted sleep. This is just awful! I though our sojourn in Lanzhou was bad - it is nothing compared to a child whose only means of expression is screaming and carrying on. I know she is grieving and understandably confused, angry, sad and probably somewhat afraid...but it is hard to watch and be around...  I miss my children and now of course wonder what the H I was thinking... I just need a break at some point... 5 minutes of happiness at the beginning.. and then full blown misery all the rest. I hit my knee against the wall this morning so I am also in some pain.. (yes, OF COURSE it is the bad knee) and I just don't know what I will do if this doesn't turn around soon.  I can't imagine dealing with her in an airport or on a plane for 13.5 hours... it is hard to imagine at all. I hope I can make it through tomorrow when they go to the SWI - and we stay behind.. I am not sure I dare leave the freaking room.  I am really distraught.. (in case you were wondering) and wondering how we will manage.  Convinced as I am that I should not bring her back...  if I had a crystal ball.... though if I had and I saw what was going on now - there is not much that could have convinced me to leave my family, take a month off of work and fly halfway round the world so I could be screamed at in Chinese.  And to think I did this on purpose.  I think I will turn in myself... sans chicken head dinner... maybe things will look better in the morning. I miss home so much.. I can hardly stand it.

Just when you think it is safe to breathe....

...........it sure isn't. We had better day yesterday.. a little drama at bath time and then more when the new clothes were produced.. she is a very very very (did I say VERY!) stubborn little girl. She was not into the bath... this morning it was interrupting her "morning routine" coloring and watching Pleasant Goat on TV... she threw a fit that would have had to be seen to be believed. All through the lobby into the buffet... but she did eat a little, fed the fish.. told her whole sad tale to our guide Susan (who is fabulous of course!) and she calmed somewhat but determined to return all her gifts (except the backpack, shoes and coloring materials) and ditch new Mom at her first opportunity. But she is a loving girl at heart and a few snacks, Cinderella on the DVD and a tissue seems to be turning the tide in my favor.  I will say that morning tantrums are not my finest hours. I know she is grieving... and I think after waking up happy to see me.. big hugs and "Mommy!!" she realized what she was feeling was in direct conflict with her former life - and of course one doesn't like to be interrupted during "Pleasant Goat" so I guess I deserved all I got. So my stubborn little Empress decided to follow us back up to the room and here we are having a day in.. till about 3:30 then we must leave for the police station to apply for her passport. This should be fun. I am not looking forward to it.  Anyway - things are progressing... can I just say that tomato flavored potato chips are not going to catch on in the states.. yuck! and this from someone who really loves chips!! Here are a few pics.. I am sorry for the double posting on FB and here.... but I want to record all the various happenings and FB's limits do not do justice to the story.  Really she is amazing... just exactly who I thought she would be though I am not sure even I could have predicted the level of obstinacy that she exhibits. I think some would say she is spoiled a bit... she seems very very western compared to some kids. Was horrified at the thought of using a squatty... knows about TP and hand washing, prefers a spoon to chopsticks, loves TV, is a sugar junkie (jelly beans available at all times thanks to a kind family at the civil affairs office - how I could be so unprepared is beyond me. We bought snacks then totally didn't pack them or the toys!) she will eat chocolate - but it is not quite apparent whether she is the chocolate lover EFP is. She will give EBB a run for his money in the noodle eating department that is for sure - the kid can put it away. Where exactly she puts it is beyond me - since she is not quite 30lbs.  Thank goodness because if I have to carry her kicking and screaming it is good she is not 50lbs!!  She is a bundle though, let me tell you! I love her dearly and I am hoping for each day to get progressively better. Wish me luck!

The Harmonious Period

What began auspiciously enough... she was all smiles, called me Mama.. hugs and all.. was quite different a few moments later.  As soon as she realized this was happening.. that she was to leave with me... she started to cry..then she started to run. She did not forget her bags though.. she is as protective of her backpack as our son was at this point.  She cried her heart out... sobbing and running. I was (truth be told) scared for her. She tried to leave with the orphanage Ayis and it took some doing to catch up to her. But - I did and the well meaning officials spoke with her.. I don't know exactly what they said but our fabulous guide Susan was on top of it... to be sure they did not say anything I didn't want them to say.  At one point I said - tell her we will take her to lunch then shopping and then she can decide.. she did not stop crying but she did decide to come with us. When we got back to the room - she napped a little and then she explored all the small things we brought for her.. she loves the hair things and jewelry.

We have been employing the "plan A" or "plan B" system.. but since she stayed calm we decided to go shopping to the Trust Market for snacks etc. (and a hairbrush because somehow I did not bring one!) water, juice and some chicken feet. ;-) She had a blast in the stroller picking this or that and then yelling "Ayi" so Vicky would bring the cart near and she could throw the item in the cart. This made her very very happy.  We are so lucky to have Vicky Ayi with us!!!  A few hundred RMB later.. we think she is so tired we take the taxi back to the hotel and think she will eat the noodle bowl - and go to sleep.. LOL  Not So Much!! She wants to go out... so we headed over to the Malaysian Restaurant, Sabala, and she pointed to about 6 different items in the menu... a few of which I was sure not going to sit next to her and eat!! Finally we settle on some crispy chicken, stir fried long beans, and noodles... and well, let me tell you!! This kid can EAT!! and EAT!! and EAT!! Then she saw the last page and wanted a Mango Milkshake and some 8 jewel rice... we did get the milkshake.  She is neat and clean in her eating... really worried about where her napkin kept getting to.. and did a great job eating everything in site.  We walked back to the hotel and she kept pointing at the incredibly expensive and totally age-appropriate clothing, shoes, jewelry and handbags...very very obvious she is our daughter!!

At this point... she is wary but calmer. She is incredibly bright. Her papers included some school work - and I think she will have no trouble at all. She knows the English Alphabet and complex maths.  She is repeating everything I say... and tonight when I got her ready for bed.. she was much much much happier. She wanted to sit in my lap and cuddle a little before bed... and I was hugged and kissed.  Honestly... the way things were going, this is not how I predicted the night would be.. but so far so good.  She has a very silly personality... she is sweet and so smart. I think that EFP and EBB will definitely help get her acclimated and ensure that she understands how very much she is loved already.

Threw in a few shots from our hotel room... more tomorrow...Zai Jian!

We have a new Daughter...

I can not go into great detail right now. But we met Empress Sassy Pants at 11:00 am - she was beautifully dressed, all smiles and carrying her Hello Kitty Backpack and Pleasant Goat. She came right to me and gave me a big hug, called me Mama... and it was all down hill from there.  Almost as soon as I started to breathe again - she started crying (sobbing) and running. She took her backpack and little bag and ran back to the room she had just come out of "I am out here!" She is sorely missing her foster mom and ayi.  She ran after them when they were leaving... handed me back the little presents I gave her.. and I had to borrow jelly beans to keep her with us. "Bu yao Mama"  Now she is napping and I am hoping that a combination of familiarity and NOODLES will keep her with me for now. Our harmonious period is likely to be non-harmonious. But she is the most beautiful little girl... with a gorgeous smile.. and I hope to see it again soon!!