It really does get better!

I have been cleaning out my email inbox and went back to those desperate days in waiting for Miss EFP to arrive and I realized - I am not nor will I ever be able to forget the agony, but I don't feel as bad about it as I did a few months ago. It is true that a lot of the pain does evaporate right about the time someone hands you the child. I can read all about how upset (psychotic actually) I was when month after month went by and we did not get our referral. It was horrible. And the thing is people after us have waited so much LONGER even. I don't really know if I would have made it another 4 or 5 months on top of the 10 we were actively waiting. Of course we wouldn't have had a choice but it was so emotionally crazy - a real roller coaster. The other part of that is that I could never be 100% sure that a baby would actually be assigned to us, now I know better but at the time it seemed plausible that a letter could arrive at any time saying "No baby for you, one year - maybe never!"

I can laugh about it now that my darling is sleeping in the next room - but honestly the last few months of our wait were an ordeal I hope never to repeat. Every day brought some new humiliation or assault on my emotions - and believe it or not there were many people (not friends - just people I dealt with daily) who had no clue about (well, anything) what we were dealing with and so were insensitive to the point of rudeness. I don't mean the well-meaning or kind-hearted no matter what they said - knowing that they were interested and concerned was helpful. No, it was the ones who would say - "Are you sure you did all the paperwork right? Is there anyway You can expedite this? Hmm.... Doesn't seem like you know much about how this works - since you thought you would have your referral months ago.........." I mean come on - if anyone knows me they know the answers to those questions pretty easily.

We are here and the baby is sleeping.. she is all sideways in her crib under three blankets (she insisted!) with all her menagerie around her. Our nighttime process has gotten progressively more complicated recently. Here it is in steps:

1. Both parents head upstairs whoever has EFP has to 'hide' from the other parent
2. Change diaper and put on pjs, turn on CD player and heartbeat machine, pull shade
3. Drink of water & turn on humidifier Elephant
4. Make sure there are plenty of paceys (6) in the room
5. Get into rocking chair and Read Goodnight Moon
6. Read Goodnight Moon
7. Read Goodnight Moon
8. Read Goodnight Moon
9. Read Goodnight Moon
10. Read Goodnight Moon
10 a. Rock without reading
11. Place child in crib
12. Do you want Sleepy Blankie? Baby nods
13. Baby points to the other blankie hanging on end of crib
14. Do you want other Sleepy Blankie? Baby nods
15. Do you want Lovebug? Baby nods and gets kiss from Lovebug
16. MamaBug? nodding and kiss
17. BabyBug? nodding and kiss
18. Sleepy Teddy? nods and kiss
19. Silly Chicken (which is conveniently under the blankies and has to be found) more nods and kiss - plus two pulls on the chicken for clucking/shaking etc.
20. Daddy says night night My Angel - then leaves
21. Mommy kisses baby a bunch - pats her head, says have a good rest I will see you in the morning and Mommy Loves Baby - Night Night!!

This all takes approx 30 minutes between 7:15 and 7:45 or so each evening. She really gets annoyed if any step is skipped or happens out of order. And - to make matters that much more complicate - Daddy can not do these steps to her satisfaction. I mean of course he does them - she just don't like it! I have to travel for a few days in October - I am already freaking out.