One Year Ago Today.... (Part 1 of a Multipart Series)

Maybe the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about!!

..............I was beside myself with grief as yet another birthday (yet another milestone) had passed with no baby, no news of our baby and no idea when/if there would ever be a baby. I was anxious, scared, embarrassed, grieving and trying desperately to hold onto whatever hope I could find. I would fall apart at the slightest provocation and dissolve into tears if someone as much as looked like they MIGHT ask when we were expecting our referral. The entire landscape of adoption from China changed while we were in process.... all of a sudden mere days worth, rather than the month's worth, of referrals would be sent causing the wait to lengthen inexplicably and for the uncertainty to reach a fever pitch. We were in the thick of it for sure! I have already written at length of how much my different circles of friends helped me get through the wait - so I won't go there again but honestly I am still grateful for all the support I received during the crazy wait.

I had no faith then - last year. No faith that either of the two jurisdictions would actually provide what they promised. I was still so convinced that I was undeserving of that which I most desperately wanted. In spite of the mountain of evidence that a range of people had examined every single aspect of my life as well as DH's and promised us that we would be parents. I still harbored the result of years of bitter disappointment, unfulfilled promises and working towards things that would never be forthcoming. I am still under the impression that I will usually not get what I want.. but every so often the universe throws me a curve ball. Just to see if I am paying attention or something. Oh what a curve ball!

Most of the parents we waited with have put all this behind them and many are embarking on new journeys toward other children. I have put it behind in the sense that I don't dwell on it any longer but I don't think I have made peace with it yet. I do know I don't feel the same angst, obviously I don't have a heck of a lot of time for that these days anyway! I have yet to write the LONG letter I owe the agency for their part in this. I have since come to learn to that there must be a written policy some where that says if a client starts to complain or gets to questioning the service aspect they respond with condescension and imply that the complainer is in fact high strung, inflexible, unable to handle the trip and they throw in, for good measure, the mention of a sick or absent child. Just to prey on a new parent's worst fear. We get all the way to China and something is wrong with the child... can you imagine anyone writing that policy? As if waiting and everything else is a walk in the park and when they are less than forthcoming in information etc. and you react as most people would - they try to make you seem crazy for advocating for yourself! Yea, that letter is most over due.. do know we will not be using that agency again!

We do think we want another child... I am not interested in the uncertainty of waiting for another baby though. I think we will take a chance and try a child. One year ago I wasn't sure we would have one child and now very often I can see 2 or 3 before we hang up this particular towel! LOL. So much has happened in the intervening year that I hardly know how to catalog all the events. I do know I have made so much peace with those things that have plagued me and held back my vision of who I could be. I have been writing quite a bit and I believe I may work up the courage to submit a few things here and there. I also have some small plan for my career that may mean things happening in a good way for a change. Not sure exactly what will happen - but we'll see. We still have a few classes to complete to get certified as foster parents - its been a real exercise in catharsis for me. I don't dwell on the fact that I was a foster child once upon a time - but I was and it gives me a perspective that most of the people in our class do not have. I don't talk about it all that much in class - so far only once. I don't purport to have all the answers but I know what would not have worked well enough. I also know that the shame of appearing on some one's doorstep is not something erased over night or, honestly, ever. It has been good though for me to be there and in some measure for my DH (child of privilege though he be) to hear what foster care really is and, perhaps even more important, what it is not. Our foster child(ren) - when he/she/they get here - will have some comfort in knowing that I understand all too well how it feels and that I am more than willing to do whatever it will take to advocate for him/her. They may be too young to know what that all means, but I think they will feel it and I will do my best to be some comfort.

In the meantime - and just to add to the craziness - we are seriously considering a waiting child. I have made some inquiries about her medical situation and I am waiting for more information before we complete the petition but I can't get her little face out of my heart and although I have some concerns about my ability to deal with her medicals.. there is something about her that is so sweet it just tugs at me. Of course I have also decided that there is practically NO child I can not love. I just love children and there is no end to it. I don't think I ever saw myself as one of those earth mother types who has a house full of children etc. but sometimes I feel like whatever we can do either domestically or internationally for children is still not quite enough. 1 child or 10 I would try to be a good mom deserving of the children.

Happy Birthday to Me!

You say it's your birthday

It's my birthday too--yeah

They say it's your birthday

We're gonna have a good time

(Lennon/McCartney)

Today was my birthday. Not a particularly special one - though it is my first as a Mom! I must say that having a daughter and an attentive DH is more than reward! EFP had a card and DH a dozen pink roses - my fav! We had dinner at the palace! (ha ha The Palace Diner!) and it was nice - quiet and quick. We took EFP to vote - I hope to be able to do this for many years. I like seeing kids in the polling place. My Mom never voted and so I didn't learn how to work the machines till it was my turn to vote. I was so nervous- I couldn't really enjoy my first experience with democratic process...

We have had a nice few days - though Miss EFP was a bit feverish yesterday (I am thinking its her eye teeth - the drool factor is way up there as are the fingers in the mouth!) so we had a Mommy and EFP Day... where she finally met the Booooooooo Baaaaaaahs! YIKES!! Now she says that all the time - with a perfect English accent!!

We attended the Christening Celebration for one of our dear friends... we had so much fun! I have been trying to post some pics but blogger is not communicating at all. Finally! Got some pics posted. EFP had a great time at the party. The kid is a party animal! The left top pic is her playing "Simon Says" with the other kids. She also danced the Hokey Pokey and really tore up the dance floor with Mommy and Daddy in tow. We just love these people so... every event is a real celebration seeing all the kids and how well they grow. Even the recently home were doing fabulously. Of course seeing all the kids makes me... well, I will save that for another Birthday Wish Reveal!

OH! Big news!!! Who do you think can say the alphabet up to letter J??? Who Who Who!? RIGHT! EFP! Just starting saying them tonight as we were driving back from the Diner!!! She said A-J perfectly! I have been really anxious about her lack of real speech and was considering calling the EI people for a re-eval, but since she is saying things so much more clearly and with purpose that I think it will be unnecessary. She has invented some more games... all on her own! Including the lumpy couch game... she hides behind my back on the couch, I say "Wow, this couch sure is lumpy" and she tries to hide but I twist and see her and she laughs hysterically! She has also decided that Mommy with a pacey in her mouth is a hoot.. oddly enough Mommy does not find this at all amusing.... except to hear her baby-laugh. I do love that baby laugh. She has also started becoming interested in the Potty and will indicate (as if we needed any more indication than our nose!) when she has a poopy diaper! I think the Royal Throne will be installed in the throne room shortly! She has really started following me and is very handy with the paper... LOL

EFP has really brightened up our lives. When we were all laughing up in the nursery this evening I remarked to DH that I really had every present possible right there on the changing table. She is so precious. I am going to have her at work tomorrow for a little bit as DH is going to bring her and attend a Hispanic Heritage Month Celebration Closing Dinner as a family.

Here is the Empress in her Imperial Coach (the Odyssey) on the way to her daily Empress Training.. do not let the bunny ears fool you - that is a crown in disguise and boy does she work it! I will post about the royal melt-downs that mark her firm placement in the terrible-twos!

But I love this little face!

All my happiness

This is what all the fuss is about! This little face and thousands more like it. Maybe the face is a little browner or a little whiter, maybe the hair is curlier or blonder or maybe older and maybe it comes with a few matching faces - maybe the child is a boy. Adoption has been in the news alot lately thanks to "The MAterial One. " I don't think that the root of what she and her DH did are actually evil - I guess I just feel that there are questions that need to be answered in terms of flouting a number of regulations and laws. Is it always OK to use money or position to get one's heart's desire? What if it comes at the expense of another human? Do I get how ironic that is - given that my own heart's desire came at the expense of a birth mother cruelly forced to abandon her child - MY CHILD. EFP is ONLY my child because she was unable to be someone else's child. Would I wish the other alternative on my precious child - that of a lifetime of institutionalization and little if any real love? No, I do not and will not concede that she (or any child) would be better off living that way. The particular child in question (not mine, the Material One) would most certainly have faced a life of abject poverty and some amount of institutionalized care with (maybe) periodic visits from his bio relatives. Is the child better off... maybe. I would not want to be the one who has to explain all this to him in some years when he is old enough to read. When the child is old enough to understand part of his story and not the subtlety of what happened - when he finds out all the particulars of his birth, abandonment and eventual adoption. I can even imagine the day where some kids in a schoolyard torment him with the idea of his being taken from his birth country and transplanted to wherever it is he lands finally. Reading about his poor illiterate father and impoverished birth circumstances.

I think about that all the time about my own family. I mean I know all the ugly circumstances there are to know about how I was born, what this is to know of my family's uglier moments and I accept them - I worry about what EFP will say when she realizes all there is to realize about her life, how a birth mother left her at the gate of the children's welfare institute. That it was her gender and nothing more that made the decision for her parent(s) to part with this beautiful, smart, healthy absolutely amazing baby. What will she think of the circumstances of our adopting her? Will she see it as robbing her of her birthright - the land and culture with 10,000 years of history stacked against her. Where less than 100 years ago feet were still bound to make virtual prisoners of her fore mothers. Will she think of her adoption as I think of it - that I wanted to be a mother and she had none - so I brought her home to love and care for? That I really do think that being in a family is better... and that I thank whatever powers there are in the universe for bringing me THIS child? How could I not?

I don't know what the eventual outcome of all this will be. There are many voices against international adoption - many that say countries should work harder to identify and support families within countries to adopt those children that can not be cared for by birth families and that only rarely and under exceptional circumstances should children be adopted out of the county and culture. Frankly - I see an end to the racism and hegemony that permeates this planet with international adoption that is probably the best reason to continue the programs - indeed to enforce the Hague Convention and send all kids who can not be cared for by birth families into other countries... how can you possibly hate the people who made your child? When you know that it is possible that the family of your child is still there... don't you think that there would have to be some measure of peace if some part of the world's children were being loved and raised in other parts of the world - or is that the Utopian in me showing?

See the hard part is looking into that face - thinking that someday she may regret MY choice when no matter what I will never regret mine. It's tough - people tell me how lucky SHE is to have us - and I say no, WE, her parents, are the lucky ones. The world is lucky to have this amazing child growing up in it.

A sad end to a promising start

Being cryptic is not my usual MO - but bear with me. A few readers will know what this is about and those who do not - can either read between the lines or put two and two together and be very close to where we are.

DH and I have re-started the process to become foster-adopt parents. We have been attending classes and doing a mound of paperwork. Maybe, gentle reader, you have deduced that from earlier hints. We are a few weeks away from completing the process and being certified. Yes we have literally put aside every other project in order to devote all our energies to making sure this happens. It has been a rewarding experience and I am really looking forward to being at the end. It's actually been more fun this time and as I mentioned to a friend earlier this evening, I am enjoying being somewhat free of the shame I felt in my unorthodox upbringing and it's attendant mishaps.

To have managed to get this far and be free from the effects of what I perceived to be others judgment of my choices or life path is a precious gift indeed. I am more able to see that this path is one I was meant to travel and although there are times I am aware that my DH has had to travel these winding roads with me, he has actually been as committed as I AND when recently offered an out to all this - did what he usually does: namely, surprised me by saying that of course we would not take the 'easy' way and give up. He said we are in this for the long-haul and somehow this will all come out right. My experience says that any thing I have gained has been hard-fought and proves to be worth is all in the end. As for what to do with all the other feelings circulating... well, aside from some anger about how badly the situation was managed I am doing OK. I truly believe there will be another child in my house before too long. I don't know how or why but I know that much - in my heart.

My baby is so amazing and wonderful that there are no words to describe how incredible she is or how being her Mom is just my best of everything. I am not feeling deprived or that EFP is in anyway lacking. Indeed, it is because she is so amazing that I feel ready for the last piece of the puzzle that is our family.

Pumpkin Love

This is the pumpkin of my dreams Mom!

Hey, Tigger you look taller in person!

So many pumpkins, so little time!

This is what I left when I went to Philadelphia, and got trapped in the airport there! The conference went well. It was eye-opening and productive and I think I may have made some career decisions that, frankly, I have been putting off! I ran into people I had met before and had a very interesting conversation with someone from the west coast. I also think I got some very good ideas about a sub-topic for my dissertation. It's funny, when I am home in my real life the the thoughts of my academic life are so far away. Then I get in a room with some very smart people and I feel like I need to be up there with them. I also was privledged to listen to a most enlightened speaker Dr. John Hope Franklin a most inspiring speaker and person. I mean when you consider that he is only 2 generations from a runaway slave - and yet attended Harvard, it is amazing and makes me feel like truly if you want it bad enough, you will find a way. I believe I will read his new book. I probably should have bought it at the conference and waited to have it signed - but there were so many people and I don't like crowds, plus I understood that he was only going to sign a few books and I probably would not have gotten a signed book anyway.

Today as tired as I was - I dressed up the empress in her first halloween costume and we headed over to the farm. It was COLD and WINDY! SO we didn't last as long as I was hoping - but EFP had a great time as you can see. She was so impressed with the field of pumpkins, had no fear of the 6' tall Tigger, and got up on the stage and performed like the little star she is! She even attempted the chicken dance. What a little ham I have. (*big cheesy grin on my face*) She ate a knish and a cookie for lunch and was quite the little flirt with a friend's 6 yo. We had so much fun and left the park with a goodie bag! We enjoyed it tremendously!

Then we headed over to DH's library because somehow my house keys got separated from my car keys. DH's associates got peak at our darling in her halloween regalia. She really did look cute and liked seeing daddy as surprise - perhaps we will do that again and bring daddy some nicer lunch than what they have in the vending machine!!

EFP's sleep schedule is a little off thanks to her having to accompany DH when we retrieved me (sans bag I might add!) at the airport very very late. She slept for 2 hours between 4 and 6 - I wasn't going to let her but the poor baby was so sleepy. The airline did deliver my bag today and more or less when they said they would which was nice. I still don't really understand how an airline can just up and cancel a zillion flights! What exactly do they think people will do? Some people rented cars and drove home - the airlines actually sent some people home by bus. I almost had to do that - would have gotten home even later than I did. It's one of those infuriating things about life. So tonight she wanted to party until 10 pm - not tired really. Now she is happily sleeping and tomorrow I will wake her at a decent hour to nidge her back to her normal sleep time. I believe I am working tomorrow - so boo hoo for me!

Bye Bye!

Mommy is going bye bye for two whole days! For the first time since we adopted our darling - I will be completely away. When I wrote the proposal to present at a national conference (long ago in a galaxy where I was not yet a mom) it seemed like a good idea! It is a good idea - but Oh MY! It is hard to leave my baby! I am sure she will be fine - really. (sniff sniff WAIL!) She and Daddy have come a long way since those early days and now that DH is on afternoon day care pick up - the time they have spent together (sans Mama) has really brought them closer.

I am just nervous about the whole thing. I have tried really hard during the last 8 months to only be out of the house once a week - two tops. This week was an exception in every way. Long days in the office (oh, and I got locked out today! Everyone went to an event while I was facilitating a training), a class that DH and I have to take related to our project and leaving the house pre-dawn Thursday to return long after the cows have come home Friday. I am sure that leaving my baby is more to blame for the absolutely abysmal mood I have been in - but the phases of the moon are not with me either. I have been just weepy and cranky and (well... b-tchie) if you must know.

I suppose there are people for whom an apology won't suffice... somehow I will figure it out and make amends where necessary. Even I have a bad day now and again. There are big changes on the horizon and that is not usually within my comfort zone. I like to know alot about what is coming, so this is relatively uncharted territory.

In the meantime my darling is sound asleep safe in her room. My DH snoring away - I just finished getting packed and getting her little duds ready for the next few days. I had to finish putting together her costume for the party on Saturday and I was finally able to find a long sleeved black shirt she can wear under her rather skimpy costume.

I am off to bed - so I can wake up in 3 hours to get ready for the airport. Will check in on Saturday after the party.......... with pics, Promise.

Terrible Twos Indeed!

Now, we know. Sure we thought we had dodged a bullet for all the past 7 months, EFP has been the happiest sweetest baby ever. But now she is almost 19 months old and while I would say that 90% of the time she is still that – occasionally we get a glimpse or as today – a full frontal of what the Terrible Twos really mean! I think this has been building for a couple of weeks now, since the last time she woke up kind of cranky and out of sorts. This morning she was fine till after her nap. She woke from her nap in a ripping mood. She literally did not want any part of wearing pants today. No pumpkins were picked! For whatever reason – she has decided that diaper changes are the equivalent of murder (or at least she screams like bloody murder!) and so she will resist with every fiber of her being – kicking and twisting something a little exorcist-ish on the floor, ottoman, changing table, bed – wherever! I now dread having to change her diaper in a public facility – both for the stares and the safety factor. Those flip-down changing stations are sort of not that stable. Then at dinner (which usually reverses her moodiness) the tacos I made were unacceptable so she threw her spoon at me. GREAT!

Twice today she did corner duty for pitching her sippy cup (full!) at one or the other of the two resident kitties (so far this is the only punishable offense) and I discovered that the so-called naughty step wasn’t working because a. she plays peek-a-boo from the step through the rails and b. she climbs up the staircase which is a recipe for disaster! So I have taken to putting her in the one corner in the hallway. Well – imagine my surprise when she seemed to know EXACTLY what to do!!!!! So now one more difficult conversation with the child-care center. Somehow - someone has put her in the corner already and not told me about it. TERRIFIC! The highlight of the evening had to be when she freaked out completely as the last few drops of water from her evening bath drained away and she was sitting in an empty tub. This is the same tub as yesterday.. the water always drains out and she usually is very happy to be wrapped up in a few giant fluffy towels and carried into her room to be massaged with lotion and then slipped into her pjs etc. NOT this time! No – she freaked out all (wrinkly and blue-lipped as she was) and tried to turn the water back on!! It was kinda funny – she has never reached for the faucets before so I don’t think she really understood. She did really want to help with the lotion part – for the third time today! She will have the softest skin in the USA at this rate. She is obsessed with the lotion bottle and likes me to put a small amount on her hands so she can apply it to her (really really) soft tummy, and feet and nose. Today – I was in for a treat!! I got the lotion on a q-tip on my legs – I was wearing capris.

Seriously – how long do the so-called terrible twos last?? Till she is three? I won’t last – I just won’t make it I tell you!

MKC's Non-Swedish Slow Cooked Meatballs

1/2 Big Bag Swedish Type Meatballs (Frozen)
2 Cans Cream o Mushroom Soup
1 Package Onion Soup Mix (dry)
2 Cans Milk (Skim OK)
1 Cup Milk (skim still ok)

Night before:

Spray inside of crock with non stick spray
In a separate bowl mix envelope of Onion Soup with two cans Cream o Mushroom Soup plus the two cans of milk. Stir to combine - pour into crock cover and refrigerate over night. You can also throw in a can of sliced mushrooms at this point if you like a lot of mushrooms (I did and I do!)

Morning of:

Add frozen meatballs to crock then set slow cooker on low for at least 8 hours.

Half hour before dinner:
add one cup milk stir gently - replace cover cook on high for half hour

Service with buttered noodles and greenbeans/salad etc.

Serves 4-6 with leftovers!

This is the recipe I mentioned - it's my own invention but - it's very like most of the cream o mushroom soup recipes so I can't really take all the credit.

I am also going to adapt my chili (Chili con carne para no frijoles!) recipe for the slow cooker.

The basic ingredients are:
2 lbs chuck steak cut into one inch cubes.
2) 28 oz cans of whole peeled tomatos,
cup or two dry red wine,
garlic (6 cloves minced)
1 medium sweet onion
green and red peppers large dice
masa harina
cumin
salt
pepper
chili powder
a little cayenne pepper.

I usually serve with rice, sharp cheddar and a little sour cream. Chips and salsa - but of course!

Happiness is a warm crockpot!

I finally mastered one recipe in the new slowcooker swedish meatballs!! Using frozen meatballs no less! I served it with noodles and mixed california veggies and there were only yum-yum noises at dinner tonight! Finally! I had tried a few other recipes and so far they were not big hits... I had no recipe books though, so I remedied that and although this is my own version of Swedish Meatballs I think I followed the basic idea I got in the book. EFP surely like the little meatballs and, of course, the noodles. She is much neater at the table these days, though she has her moments when noodles go flying and it is still more messy than I would like.

We are very excited that a young friend of ours will be visiting again soon. We were delighted to host a small informal dinner (okay, it was pizza) for her last Monday and we are hoping this will be a regular occurence. I would even go so far as to say that we would love it if she were here every night for dinner... very soon!

So there are great goings on here at the Empress's everyday palace. I have discovered I am no good at selling items on Craig's List! I listed three things and so far I have only gotten one email and that was just a stupid question. I have been hoping to get rid of the futon in EFP's room to make room for a twin/daybed for our little visitor. I want her to feel at home whenever she is here, so I thought a nice new bed with her own choice of linens would be a good start. But - the Futon has to go. I do waver back and forth - it's really quite comfy and does provide a nice big bed for guests to sleep in - but I think its important for kids to have a bed of their own. SO the quest for a new home for the Futon goes on. I suppose if push comes to shove I will put it on the grad student list at work and some lucky student will be able to claim it. Its a really well-made futon so I can't imagine someone wouldn't want it.

We are otherwise in our usual mode - everything is crazy and we are running at full gallop all the time.......... and you should see how big our smiles are!!

When the moon.........

......is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.................



An appropriate opening for this week when the Chinese celebrate the Moon Festival. As I mentioned previously we celebrated the Moon Festival at a local park with tons of our friends! It's a great time to reflect on our ancestors. I have been reflecting on mine - well, at least my Mother. She has been on my mind quite a bit - both for those things she did and those she did not. I miss her but the happier memories are starting to rise to the surface and I am grateful for that. This time of year is a time to give thanks for the gifts our ancestors have given us - I am thankful for the resiliency that seems to be my gift. My DH also seems to have received the gift of resiliency and hopefulness also. When you see the moon - it's the same moon that our foremothers saw and they too looked with hope and dreams. It's the same moon I saw while I waited for the person who whould change my life forever - and she may also have been looking at the moon. Is it a coincidence that Goodnight Moon is her favorite book?

I also reference some other mystic happenings. It's not that I have switched to the 'other' side - I am still the usual skeptic I have always been. Somtimes though there are clear signs that the path I am on is the correct path. This has been one of those times where my path is clear. I may be nervous and a little unsure of myself - but I have been saying something for the last 2 weeks that I think bear repeating and is more than a little applicable these days.

"Just because something is hard (and there is a chance your heart will be broken) doesn't mean you shouldn't do it."

Indeed, everything worth doing is hard in one way or another. I was speaking with someone about buying a house - how the process is so complex and is harder than you think it possibly could be. When we bought our house - it seemed like the hardest thing I had ever done... till we adopted. Now - I know what hard is. I had thought that the process of obtaining a mortgage, where one feels like they are under a microscope and there is a certain amount of being judged 'worthy' or 'unworthy' that is inherent and stays with you for a while after you assume that incredible financial committment. But honestly - I did not know the first thing about scrutiny till we entered the adoption process.

Oddly enough - in baring my entire life to virtual strangers on both sides of the world - I have been able to once and for all rid myself of some demons that have haunted my progress over the years. Stemming from a childhood where some of the most important lessons were absent - it took me a litte longer to figure out what everyone else seemed to know. When I returned to school and completed my masters and entered the PhD program - I sort of figured out everyone (to some extent) is just trying to figure things out. I haven't met too many (though there have been a few) people who knew exactly where they fit in this world - what their special gift was. I am not sure I have found mine either - so I try to be helpful. I do know that I am not afraid anymore of the hard things, or being laughed at or even falling down while taking a leap of faith. I described our journey to become parents as a real leap of faith - faith that I would be able to withstand the scrutiny and invasion of my privacy that was necessary to the process. Withstand the judgement in the face of my own fears as to what kind of Mother would I be - it is hard (though not impossible) to remain positive when you are afraid SOMEONE else will say you are not capable. Thankfully, I did stay in it - it was hard but I did it anyway. And the rewards are a bounty and also an unlooked for gift of joy and a true connection with motherhood. I never knew how much I was capable of loving another person... unconditionally and completely. I had some glimpses when my niece and nephew were born - since I do love them to the moon and back, but it just isn't the same as when that love is reflected back at you as with my child. All the love I give her is reflected back to me... same for her daddy.

I have also come to understand why some people are reticent to shake that up and add a second child. It's hard to believe that once you have poured everything you have into one child - who becomes the center of your universe - that you could then add a another little something to revolve around. I have a suspicion about this as well - that just as I didn't know what it would mean to love one child and the reality has turned out to be so much more than I was capable of believing for me - that adding a second just increases the love you have to give. Instead of dividing - you multiply. Some friends of ours are already anticipating the arrival of a second child - and I bless them for it. My friend already gets that her heart will grow twice as large with the addition of another incredible child to love. My sister got it... I suppose many many people have figured that out.

Things are going very well for us at this point. We have put our moving plans on hold for a while. We realized that EFP is not ready to leave her butterfly and cloud paradise and she would be so sad if she had to. And since I can't imagine that we could duplicate the walls and art - I wouldn't even try. During the nearly two years we waited we had a lot of time to plan and prepare a glorious setting for our darling to come home to, changing her room would be very hard to do under normal moving the household (short of time and cash) circumstances. I am ok with this decision and while you may be reading between the lines that there is more to this decision than meets the eye - believe me, I will change residences the very minute that it is feasible and not likely to cause irreparable harm to our family.

In the meantime - why not go outside tonight and take a peak at the glorious Moon. Think about how far you have come and how magical the journey has been. Give thanks for your ancestors (the good and bad) for even the bad times have left an indellible mark on your soul and you are a better person for having survived. Look up and make a wish - for yourself and your future self, maybe wish a little peace on your past self. I know I will.

Well you just never know do you?

Here are some very amazing young women! One of them is mine and the other two - well I only wish they were! I adore their Mom and ALL their sisters as well! We had such fun at the FCC-LI Autumn Moon last Saturday!

Here is my climbing girl! She has taken to climbing anything and everything - here she is climbing in and out of her red wagon for the gagillionth time! Notice her March Moonbeam Bib! Once a Moonbeam - Always a Moonbeam!

Sometimes in your life there are moments that just take your breath away. I get that a lot these days. My daughter is so amazing - every day she does something that makes me stop and catch my breath. She is adding words to her vocabulary by the bushel and she is increasingly more agile all the time. She will literally climb on anything and everything anytime. We had an amazing time at the picnic - I think (OK I KNOW) this was the best one yet! It certainly was for us - no more longing looks at other people's babies.. or that nagging feeling like we would never be chasing a little one around.. HA! Boy did we chase a little one! EFP did not want to sit still for a second - unless it was in her wagon while IT was moving! We got to see some of our very favorite people - and we missed some others...

We really had a fabulous time and the weather was perfect - though the park was even dustier and dirtier than last year and from our own experience and what we have heard all the kids were covered in muck and were bathed instantaneously upon arrival home! My own baby was so tired she bathed and wanted to go night-night almost immediately. She had so much fun!

We have been very busy and it is going very well. Unfortunately I can not really discuss it here - I will tell all when I can - but for now - it is a rather intense time and I have been hard pressed to get all the details together. For now we are just asking everyone to keep us in their thoughts and hope that all turns out as it should for all involved. (I only bring this up because if my blogging is lacking in its usual verbosity you will know I am not losing interest - I am just tied up doing important other work for the time being)

We are headed up to Vermont for a few days of leaf peeping and harvest festival attending. We are hoping to take a much needed break for a few days. We will enjoy the company of DH's folks and the fall scenery.

On another happy note - I decided to write a little something about how we decided to adopt from China for the new Love Without Boundaries Book Love's Journey 2 - and guess what? They liked it! They really liked it! So a part of our story will be in this book! With pictures of Miss EFP! Our story will be in a section called Honoring the Heirlooms and it will tell about the connection I felt with my Mom and our baby all during the time we were deciding and waiting for our baby. I am proud to have anything at all in this book - it is a beautiful book and I loved the first one. I can't imagine anything better than that our story will help some children who may never know the love of a family - at least know life. All the proceeds help to fund surgeries for children who may never be adopted from China. We are so fortunate that our precious baby was healthy - and was eligible to be adopted internationally - there are so many who are neither. I think my Mom would have liked to know that in addition to making me the happiest Mommy - she helped some very sick children get well. I will post a link when the book is published.

Here is my little Olympic Athlete! What is her speciality you ask? Well - isn't it obvious? Ice Cream Sandwich Eating of Course!!! LOL

It really does get better!

I have been cleaning out my email inbox and went back to those desperate days in waiting for Miss EFP to arrive and I realized - I am not nor will I ever be able to forget the agony, but I don't feel as bad about it as I did a few months ago. It is true that a lot of the pain does evaporate right about the time someone hands you the child. I can read all about how upset (psychotic actually) I was when month after month went by and we did not get our referral. It was horrible. And the thing is people after us have waited so much LONGER even. I don't really know if I would have made it another 4 or 5 months on top of the 10 we were actively waiting. Of course we wouldn't have had a choice but it was so emotionally crazy - a real roller coaster. The other part of that is that I could never be 100% sure that a baby would actually be assigned to us, now I know better but at the time it seemed plausible that a letter could arrive at any time saying "No baby for you, one year - maybe never!"

I can laugh about it now that my darling is sleeping in the next room - but honestly the last few months of our wait were an ordeal I hope never to repeat. Every day brought some new humiliation or assault on my emotions - and believe it or not there were many people (not friends - just people I dealt with daily) who had no clue about (well, anything) what we were dealing with and so were insensitive to the point of rudeness. I don't mean the well-meaning or kind-hearted no matter what they said - knowing that they were interested and concerned was helpful. No, it was the ones who would say - "Are you sure you did all the paperwork right? Is there anyway You can expedite this? Hmm.... Doesn't seem like you know much about how this works - since you thought you would have your referral months ago.........." I mean come on - if anyone knows me they know the answers to those questions pretty easily.

We are here and the baby is sleeping.. she is all sideways in her crib under three blankets (she insisted!) with all her menagerie around her. Our nighttime process has gotten progressively more complicated recently. Here it is in steps:

1. Both parents head upstairs whoever has EFP has to 'hide' from the other parent
2. Change diaper and put on pjs, turn on CD player and heartbeat machine, pull shade
3. Drink of water & turn on humidifier Elephant
4. Make sure there are plenty of paceys (6) in the room
5. Get into rocking chair and Read Goodnight Moon
6. Read Goodnight Moon
7. Read Goodnight Moon
8. Read Goodnight Moon
9. Read Goodnight Moon
10. Read Goodnight Moon
10 a. Rock without reading
11. Place child in crib
12. Do you want Sleepy Blankie? Baby nods
13. Baby points to the other blankie hanging on end of crib
14. Do you want other Sleepy Blankie? Baby nods
15. Do you want Lovebug? Baby nods and gets kiss from Lovebug
16. MamaBug? nodding and kiss
17. BabyBug? nodding and kiss
18. Sleepy Teddy? nods and kiss
19. Silly Chicken (which is conveniently under the blankies and has to be found) more nods and kiss - plus two pulls on the chicken for clucking/shaking etc.
20. Daddy says night night My Angel - then leaves
21. Mommy kisses baby a bunch - pats her head, says have a good rest I will see you in the morning and Mommy Loves Baby - Night Night!!

This all takes approx 30 minutes between 7:15 and 7:45 or so each evening. She really gets annoyed if any step is skipped or happens out of order. And - to make matters that much more complicate - Daddy can not do these steps to her satisfaction. I mean of course he does them - she just don't like it! I have to travel for a few days in October - I am already freaking out.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

That's right! Hugs and Kisses! Today EFP gave her Mommy BIG hugs and kisses!! Again and again and again! I think she likes me!! LOL I was laughing so hard - and she just kept hugging and kissing! Maybe she thought it was funny - but I was so happy. I had been near to tears all day. Struggling over the two pressing issues I am dealing with and honestly - though I was looking forward to getting home and seeing my little family, I had no idea what was waiting. My happy dirty baby - she had a great day playing in the playground at her center and was so full of dirt it was in her diapie! But she was soooo happy. She loves playing outside and it was a nice day for it today. But the truth is that her smile was enough - the rest is just icing. I worry so much. I want to leave here and take her somewhere safer. I need to do that - I am just so unsure where that is. or How. How do I do this? But then there are the hugs and kisses... how can I not move heaven and earth for this child. What will it mean... I wish I knew. I just want to deserve all the love she seems to have for me.

How much I love being EFP's Mommy!

Yesterday notwithstanding... I love being her Mommy so very very much! Her teacher admitted today that yesterday was, in fact, a banner bad day for my little cherub. I don't know why she didn't feel like saying that yesterday - but whatever. Today was a new day! EFP woke up happy and stayed happy all day. When I finally got home she was so happy to see me! I made dinner and we actually had a great time at dinner and the fork action continued.. nary a drop on the floor. I tell you I could cry - just thinking about how far she has come in such a short time. Looking at my friend's blog - while she is meeting her baby and having their first days together - brought back all the memories (harking all the way back 6 months, LOL) of how EFP was those first days in the hotel. No teeth, unable to sit, smiling but tentative and clingy. Okay - she did have the same voracious appetite - but she wasn't eating much more than noodles and congee (really mushy) though she liked fruit even then.

Now - I look at my baby. My Baby!!! She is such a wonder. Happy and healthy. Walking with a purpose and climbing with gusto. She is, rightly so, proud of her accomplishments - she practically demands an ovation for each forkful she maneuvers into her mouth - and truth be told I am all too willing to give it if it means no more mushy food all over the place. She has a strong voice and is pretty decided about her likes and dislikes. She still smiles a lot - and she still prefers Mommy to any other living creature - but Daddy will nearly always do. Tonight she decided she would catch as well as throw her ginormous ball and she did. She is making connections all the time and I can see that she has quite the analytical mind already. She accurately pointed to my ladybug socks and then to her ladybug chair. She understands that clouds on TV are like the clouds in her room - and can tell the difference between white puffy clouds and grey rain clouds. She prefers white and puffy!!

I know that this only seems like a miracle to me. All children must seem like miracles to their own parents - but I guess this seemed like a miracle I would never be a part of. Somehow - everyday reveals new wonders and a few steps more along a road that is so much more fun and more joyous than I ever expected to travel. We are so amazed by her everyday. Tonight she wanted extra rocking before she went to sleep. I happily complied and she hugged me tightly and patted me in that now familiar rhythm. I know that in my heart I am saying forever and ever... I hope that is what her heart is saying. That she is home here in my heart forever and ever.

Hormonal or what?

This morning EFP was cranky from the getgo! I woke her and she was just in a crazy-bad mood all morning. Maybe its the weather I don't know - but she didn't improve much till I dropped her at the center. She was whiny but interested in what was going on. When I got home tonight - I was supposed to attend a workshop (sorry ladies) but she was cranked into high dudgeon and it was struggle just to get her to eat. Her teeth may be acting up again or she (definitely) has some ferocious gaseousness going on - but to be honest I was thinking she had a little jeckyl and hyde thing happening!! Crying hysterically one sec then giggling the next! I was going crazy!

For the last several evenings peace has prevailed here. She has calmly sat at the dinner table and eaten with a spoon and/or fork and not dropped so much as a morsel. The first night I thought it was a fluke - but then it kept happening. Last night she ate so well - I was just in awe! Then tonight - it was just a disaster. I mean it started out ok - I made parmesean chicken, broccoli and stringbeans. She loves all those things so this should have been easy. Well - at some point she decided she was not eating the string beans and went so far at to fling them off her fork, then she decided the chicken was for the cats - so you know where that went. Then finally the fork was thrown and I had to do the baby time out - I face her away from me for a few seconds. After that she calmed down and let me feed her - but then she went right back to her antics though screaming.... after we ate I took out the nice fresh fruit I got and she decided she wanted to eat fruit - but she had to pick it herself from the bowl - well that was fine till she shoved a whole grape in her mouth and I panicked till she swallowed it. Then (again alternating between crying and laughing) she threw watermelon (??!!) and melon all over and then dinner was over.

Putting her to bed was a little like herding the proverbial cats. She was so tired she bumped her head going up the stairs - and then did NOT want a clean diaper. I was getting more exasperated but I realized that she hadn't slept as well as I thought last night and so maybe she was uber-exhausted. Who knows!! Honestly the kids can really wear me out! At this point I am in for the evening - all my grand plans tossed aside and I am going to curl up with some vodka and wait for ER to come on. Please hope for better a day tomorrow!

A new little family!

Please go over and ooh aah over my friend Amy's new baby! They are in China now - same province as EFP and they got their little bundle a few hours ago! She is absolutely adorable and all appears to be well! Isn't it amazing how life's little twists and turns can grab your heart and pull!?

Big Congratulations to Amy, Darrin and little Raenen!

Welcome Princess!

Hey - Who took my Newsweek?


Our Friend at Rebecca Knits was delivered of a 9lb 1 oz baby girl yesterday September 8, 2006 Mom and daughter are doing great - and we all thought she would be a he! Ha!! We are sooooo excited to welcome one more little royal one into the fold! Happy Birthday Princess!

We are utterly sunk today! Nothing I need to get done is getting done. Shocking lack of sitters and my own illness is forcing me to stay at home and rest. In a strange way it is good - EFP is in the midst of what surely will be a record setting nap 3.5 hours so far and I think it is the hectic week catching up to her. She woke on her own just once this week so I think she is feeling the effects of her new schedule as well as the increase in activity in her new room at the center. After labor day she moved up to the Toddler 2 room and has been outiside on all but the worst weather days. Her classmates are exactly the same as her former room mates as they pretty much moved up together. So she is back with the boys and the one little girl in the new room - though she does have a new teacher. She seems to be doing fine - though her tiredness today has me a little freaked out. I mean the kid is a champion sleeper - but a nearly 4 hour nap... though I guess the hour she was awake last night insisting on being rocked could also account for some of this as well as the increased tiredness.

We have a busy busy fall ahead with some kind of activity almost every weekend including a trip to Vermont in October. Our postplacement visit is Monday afternoon and I am looking forward to being done with all the reports and picture generating. I think there may be one more report in February or March for our year anniversary, but honestly these reports are a little tedious after the first one. Granted we have few, if any, issues so I have tried my best to merely chart her progress and continued happiness in our family. Could anything be better...

I have given some thought recently to the strange turn of events. For whatever reason we were meant to travel down this road and bring this child home, but bringing her home has added so much to our lives in ways I could never have predicted. Aside from the absolute angels I have become friends with that I could only have become friends with through the miracle of adoption, there are so many things I would not have understood are part and parcel of this process. How much more I appreciate all the many kindnesses shown our child and our family. It's true that I have always appreciated a good friend - but it means so much more now that friends seem willing to take her into their heart as well. It also means I appreciate the miracles that happen every day.. a quick conversation with a friend who has been on my mind.. and note that says I miss you too. A friend giving birth to yet another miracle and the circle that has been protecting all of us all along.

Perhaps I am a little inclined to meditate these days I think September has become an excellent time for us all to take stock of those intangibles and give thanks for those we have in our lives that make it special. It's probably also because some big changes are coming and while some may make us temporarily sad - knowing that our friends are happy and fulfilled, no matter where on earth, makes us happy also. I also know from personal experience that true and good friends are never more than a heartbeat or kind thought away.

What goes around.............

................Actually ends up making me sick! I am down with bronchitis - though luckily it is a mild case caught early. I knew it was bad when I woke up yesterday with hardly any voice and then this morning sounding like a frog... So I took myself off to the MD for some antibiotics and sure enough... Bronchitis with sinusitis! oh joy! I am hoping to be up and around - I don't actually feel bad - just can't sleep and sound like I am coughing out a lung... yuck!

Miss EFP on the other hand is doing fine. Her little cold seems to have vanished and she is back to health. She is really going gangbusters with her attempt at conversation and has begun earnestly copying me. To night we had a great game of Moo Oink... I said one or the other and she copied me.. only moo sound smore like boo and oink... well sounds more like boink... LOL

I also realized she has been hugging back for a while now. She has always done the pat pat thing - when I rock her or I am holding her she pats my shoulder much like she used to pat my face when we shared a bed for sleeping. Now when I hug her she actually grabs my arms and hugs tighter. Also since DH has been the one to pick her up from daycare she has been so happy when I come home and she realizes it is me. I admit that it lights me up inside when I see her big smiley face when I get home from work. Then the fun starts... dinner. My poor cats!! They see the food being dropped on the floor and they want to eat it - but they rarely like what she drops... then the other night she bonked the one cat on the head with her sippy cup and there was a lot of juice in it. The cat seemed fine - but it was not funny in the least. tonight she seemed a little less interested in flinging - but not for long. She is doing better with her spoon and can really manage to get quite a bit of food into her mouth before she resorts to shoving it in her face like a cavechild!

The other goings on around here are too bizarre for words. I will save the saga of the satellite dish for another time.

Then and Now.................

Then - the pic we received on 12/8/05 (taken 9/26/05)

Now - home six months

Rain Rain GO AWAY!!! No, Seriously get out of here!

Yea - it's been raining for 40 days and 40 nights and I could swear I saw a pair of elephants walking past the kitchen window... ba dump bump.

I am not sure if it is because I really was hoping to have some fun this weekend or if it is because you know who is sniffling... but I am really depressed about the weather. I can not stand when it is grey like this for so long and today was just miserable. But EFP has got some bug... the usual sniffling, coughing, puking. Though - to my credit I knew the puking was gonna happen and suggested giving her clear broth for dinner... and sure enough! Right in the middle of her soup! She does not have a fever though which could be a good thing, right?

We are on day three of Mom-Minivan and so far so good. I was the coolest mom at the daycare line! (NOT) I don't really care about that to be honest - it was my back that really made the difference. The new sliding doors have made my life a little more bearable since there is no bending and all with the van.

Otherwise life goes on here. Today we found out that we will be made an Aunt and Uncle again as our little nephew will have a sib for his birthday... well the due date is near enough anyway. Very exciting news!

Of course the topic of siblings has come up frequently here at the year-round-palace. We know we need to think about it. And we do. Though just now DH says he doesn't think he can love a second child as much as he loves our little Empress. I agree - but then I also know that it is possible to love two children at the same time with your whole heart. So on that score I am clear. I am not as clear as to the logistics. But I feel there is another child somewhere. In my heart I know there is another child. I just wish I didn't feel this pressure for a second before I get any longer in the tooth. Ah - well.

So I finally sat down and wrote my submission for Love with Boundaries new book Love's Journey 2. It's funny - I didn't realize myself all the weird little twists our journey took and how tangled the so-called Red Thread* got in our own journey to EFP. I managed to get pretty much all of it in there - except one. For years my sister and I have had a running joke about roosters. A long time ago - when Miss T was little we were shopping and there was an abundance of those over-the-top French rooster object d'art. I picked a small replica and said to my niece "your mom really likes these and she always wanted one just like this one - why don't you take this one to her!" Well - Miss T toddles over to where my sister is and hands her the offending object and says "Here is the one you always wanted!" and my sister is hard pressed to not laugh out loud at my niece's earnestness. But she tells my niece that she never wanted any such thing and Aunt Sissi is playing a joke. Well niece caught on and ever since it has been a running joke between us. Well - wouldn't you know instead of the Year of the Monkey child I had expected my own darling is a Year of the Rooster!

Well - it was nice to get it all down on paper actually. After I find out if it will make it into the publication I will put an alert here. Love without Boundaries is an amazing organization and I would be very happy to have my little story help in any way to support their good works. SO many children's lives are made better by the medical attention and other loving works they provide to the orphanages in China.




*Chinese legend that has been co-opted by the china adoption community that says "All those destined to be together are bound by a red thread - the thread may tangle and stretch but it will never break."

Just for a few seconds..........

I had a mini-pity party. A blog I read often posted their referral today after missing the cut off by one day last month and they were referred twins!! (See Salsa in China) For a few tiny sleep-deprived seconds I was wishing EFP had been twins. We were approved for twins and although I knew it would be sooooo hard I kind of knew we would want two and twins would have been... well twins! So for the briefest of moments I though - Hey, why didn't we get twins? But as I wiped applesauce off the ceiling and two cats this evening after EFP made several quasi-successful attempts at getting the spoon with applesauce on it into her mouth... I realized I would have given up a while ago of even giving the appearance of maintaining some household order!

Well - perhaps because I would have to have been insane to think I could handle twins! Because I am sort of tired all the time now... not that EFP isn't sleeping she is, but child-rearing is tiring! You are 'on' 100% of the time even while you are supposedly sleeping! I do not think I have had a really "good" night's sleep since we met her. I am not, by any means, complaining. I, tired as I may be, have only known real happiness since the second that little child smiled into my face!!

I suppose this is really due to my growing concern over providing a sibling for her. Ever one to obsess about something - and to move from serious project to serious project - I am now trying to figure out the circumstances under which we will be able to add another child to our little family! How is it I have free-time to be thinking about this? Well - I did it. Tonight I signed the papers for our new car... the MiniVan! We bought a brand spanking new Odyssey EXL Can you believe it? I can't. Weeks of research and dealer shopping, price comparisons and soul searching - do I really want to drive a minivan? Its a done deal. I am picking it up Wednesday. And yes, it is Silver just like I wanted!


Are you wondering how in the world a minivan is at all related to our ideal number of children? Well - if I weren't considering our options for a second child I would not be moving all my Coldplay CDs to the behemoth! Luckily, newbie has a 6-CD Changer so I can still listen to all the Coldplay AND the Philadelphia Chickens!! Yes, the minivan is totally related to our wish for a second child. I just don't know if I am as ready as some of my Moonbeam Sisters who have already signed papers! One is actively paperchasing, another has her LOI off for a waiting child and a whole bunch more are begining the paperchase all over again! I am still trying to get all my post-placement reports matched up with the correct photos!

Besides - I am so in love with my child I am just not ready to contemplate another so quickly. I will know my next child when I see him/her. We are committed to finding our child on a waiting child list. I just know that is how it will happen. I have no idea where in the world - though I suspect it will be either China or the USA, but I really believe we will know his/her face as soon as we see it. Aside from the horrendous wait (now about 14 months from the date the paperwork is logged into China) there are so many unknowns. Most importantly - we believe we are in a good position to offer an amazing opportunity to a child waiting for surgery or in need of something a little extra. You will notice I have been very careful in not saying that our next child will be younger than our current child! I am not sure why - but for some reason I just don't feel like EFP should be the older child - not by very much anyway. I did recently inquire about a child who was 2 weeks younger than EFP, but that child had a family working to adopt her.

I think its just the excitement of referrals and how maternal I feel these days. Both because of EFP and the minivan. Its interesting - I never before felt like this was an inevitability, but it feels so right. Now if I could just get the rest of the scenario to work with me......

So big congrats to this month's referred families..... I am not really wishing for twins... one look at the baby the universe meant for me is enough to convince me, that sometimes (ok, usually) its more than OK that I don't get what I wished for! I don't always have my own best interest at heart! LOL

Calling all Angels...............

Yes!! This is my baby! Enough talking!

Why these are my two favorite girls...............

These are my two favorite girls in the world!! One is my daughter and the other is my god-daughter. They are both terrific kids but I have known one of them a whole lot longer than the other so I have loved her a really long time - all her life in fact!!

Here are my TOP TEN Favorite Things about Miss T:

10. Pink is also her favorite color (mine too!)
9. She has an innate and excellent sense of style
8. She tells great jokes and always has
7. She has an extremely kind heart
6. She always wanted to wear a crown and now she does - and she does it very well!
5. All girl all the time - hair, nails, shopping and very fancy parties!
4. She loves her Mommy, Daddy, litte brother and her whole family with her whole heart!
3. Because to know her is to love her - completely because she is passionate about everything she loves.
2. Those pointy toes, big cheesy smile, high knees and bouncy curls (even when they are fake!)
1. She is an intuitive, bright, strong, extremely talented young woman and she makes me proud to be her Aunt every day!


Here are my Top Ten Favorite Things about EFP:

10. Pink seems to be her favorite color
9. She is a very funny baby - with a real sense of humor all her own
8. She has a real desire to be helpful
7. Goodnight Moon is her favorite book (Brown Bear is a close second)
6. Her favorite time of day seems to be rocking chair time with Mama
5. Her other favorite time of day is when we sing in the car on the way to child care
4. The kid can eat - especially pasta of any kind or nationality
3. That baby smell, that baby smile and that baby laugh!!
2. That amazingly she does seem to love us an awful lot!
1. Because she is the best thing about life to date!

So there you have it! The top ten things I love about my two favorite girls!!!

Vacation.. Had to get away....

We ARE HOME! And not a moment too soon. We had a great time. EFP really liked having the family around and the dogs cracked her up. She liked having a playmate around all the time also. The last few days though were very tough. For some reason known only to her imperial self, she decide sleep was completely superfluous!! She screamed whenever we put her to bed and having her sleep with us was a invite to play! We were NOT AMUSED! It didn't help (at all!) that I felt that her behavior was making me look bad in front of the ILs!!!!!! They were pretty good about it but still - no one wants a screaming baby on vacation... luckily (or not) her cousin Prince R. screamed for a few days... a lot. Toward the end it was clear the EFP was a bit under the weather. Indeed there was puking and it was on Yours Truly of course. So we missed the mini-reunion in New Hampshire. I am sure it pained us more than anyone else. But it was such a long drive home that we decided a stop (even for yummy Italian food and to visit our travel mates) was a bit risky. IN the end it still took us over 10 hours to make it home. Plenty of stops and crying... and EFP wasn't that happy either. LOL I believe we will try to get up that way in late September or early October so a mini-reunion may still work out. We are also going to plan a bigger reunion for our one-year anniversary in February or March. That will be fun. The last six month went so fast I am sure the next will fly as well.

Still it was relaxing and laid back, which after the year we have had was just what the social worker ordered. I should prescribe family vacations more often!

Unfortunately - I am still trying to figure out how to email me the picture of the moose I took with my phone camera - since I was foolish enough to leave the camera at home when we went moose watching and FINALLY saw a moose on this trip. In the past we have seen tons of moose but the whole Rangeley area has seen a real boom in building and we fear the moose have gone deeper into the wilderness. It remains to be seen.

We spent a lot of time in the pool. The less said about that the better I think. I do love my new shoes..... I can wear them in the pool too.....

We had a lot of good food and great times. I also regained my title as 500 Rummy Champion from Toenail which really wasn't that hard considering the current score is 3,999 wins for me and 1 for him... LOL

DH played a lot of golf, drank some beer, swam in the lake and worked out in a place where the view is unmatched, sunned, snacked, napped and lounged. All in all a great time had by the whole family.

A few holiday snaps for your viewing pleasure!

The Empress is careful with her eyesite!

She dines promptly at 6pm whether home or out!
Here she is sampling the finest pub fare at the Rangeley Inn Pub!

Yes - this is the pool we spent most of our vacation in. If you are laughing because there is a GIGANTIC LAKE 100 feet away - laugh on!! Rangeley Lake is over 100' deep in spots and COLD! (well too cold for me - DH likes to swim in it!)

If doggie can hang under the table so can EFP! Here she is with Princess Nala! Princess Leia is near and their cousin MacCallan (Actually Leia's half-sister) is also nearby!

My two fishies!! Love Love Love the Fishies!

My lovely new shoes and where I spent a lot of time... staring at the lake!

My girlie loves the noodles! She had a blast the whole time!

Yes, that is my foot in my brand new crocs!

Sunset over the lake!
It's quite a sight and the meteor shower is breathtaking from this vantage point!

Vacation... all I ever wanted.....

It has been GREAT up here this past week! The weather has been a little unpredictable but nice. A little too cool for swimming but great for taking walks, going to the swings, moose-watching and ice cream eating! EFP has been enjoying herself immensely - all her aunts and uncles have been attentive and loads of fun! We saw a giant bull moose last night - but EFP was nicely asleep so she missed it!

We are relaxing A WHOLE BUNCH!! We did great on the drive up and EFP really liked having her Mommy in the back seat for a little while.. but she slept a bit on both ends and we managed it in 9 hours. I wish the restrooms on the way were a bit more acomodating to diaper changes but whatever! We managed just fine.

We are visiting all our usual haunts especially PTF (Pine Tree Frosty) for black raspberry ice cream but we have already visited some of our other favs and got some cool croc clogs - which are SOOOO comfy and cool! I got hot pink and I am talking DH into the chartruese! LOL

Well this pic will have to do till I have better access to the net. I am currently in the public library on their wireless internet with my laptop but I don't want to hog the access and I left EFP napping with her Daddy. Last night we left her sleeping and the grans were on the monitor and what do you thknk happened???? That's right - Night Terror! We hadn't left her this whole time.. we finally sneak out to have some ice cream and go on a Moose Watch and sure enough she was doing great this whole time and then she goes and falls apart. GranD finally yelled at her to STOP! and apparently that woke her from the cycle and she stopped screaming - I think she scared the heck out of her granparents!

Still we are having fun and she is really having such fun here. I hope she doesn't mind that everyone has left over the last few days.. so now it is just us and the grans. Today we are hoping the water warms up a bit and we can have a swim.

Countdown to Road Trip!

This is the view from a nearby hill in Maine overlooking Rangeley Lake



Another view from the hill in Rangeley Maine



The backyard with gazebo


Yes - our summer vacation will actually begin tomorrow! With the arrival of Three of my favorite people (and relatives) of all time!! My fabby sister and her two chillies Miss T & Mr T! I am SOOOOOO Excited! They have not been here in a while and I miss them all the time. It is better now that we live closer but I still don't see them near enough! I know EFP will love seeing her cousins!! She and Miss T are two peas in a pod and quite a pair!

Here you see THE TERRIFIC TRIO!


After having a great weekend including a dynamite time at the Long Island Feis where I am sure Miss T is going to WOW them big time with her really big smile, pointy toes and high-stepping kicks! After we exhaust ourselves with them we will say goodbye and head North for our two-weeks in Rangeley, Maine with a possible stop in Vermont. Did I mention that the whole family will be there? My DH's whole family. What's left of my family will be here this weekend. We have been going to Rangely for the last 11 years and for many of them the whole family has been there. Lots of laughs and silliness and some well-established rituals.. like every day we swear we will not eat ice cream again. Then around 7:45 we all look at each other and say - "well, the Pine Tree Frosty will be closing in 15 minutes........guess we better get there before they close!" Then we pile into a car or two and head out - then we eat ice cream in the car while we look for Moose and other wild animals!

We are also hoping to see some of the folks we traveled with in our China trip. We will stop in New Hampshire for that. I can not wait to see the girls!! I know ours has changed so much it will be great to see how the others have grown also. We had a great group of people to travel with and it will be nice to see them again.

I am continuing on my path to figure out how to pack for this trip with out having to drag a bunch of cr-p behind the car! I would really like to be able to pack what we will need to keep her majesty happy! The Grans have gone ahead and bought a kiddie pool because the lake can be cold sometimes and we may not want to let the babies go swimming. Just the equipment alone may fill up our car.. hence the whole "now we hafta get a minivan angst." But I am really digging the idea of the power sliding doors! Do I dare get a moonroof? Hmmm.... I am also seriously considering the onboard entertainment and navigation system... well, we'll see.

I am hoping the weather is good (not too hot or cold) up there and I believe I have some shopping to do... I realized I NEED to go to Freeport ME I mean Baby NEEDS new shoes, a winter coat, some galoshes, a new coach bag, some socks/tights, a few long sleeved shirts, cute things, fall shoes and perhaps some killer hair bows! Yup, I see a side trip in our near future. I also need to do a little shopping before we go - since we decided to take a portable DVD player and I think I need to get her a life jacket. Oh Maaaan!

Five Whole Months

Five Whole Months!

August 2nd is the mark of 5 months since our return from China with EFP. Sometimes it seems all too short a time. Like we are still unpacking and other times I can not remember what my life was before she came to take center stage. That is what it is… I am merely a stage hand. I don’t mind though.

This is me and EFP the day we met!

And here is my darling 2 weeks ago at the Grans!!!

Five Months ago we stepped off a plane from a far away land with a child who until then had probably not traveled more than a few miles… well until February 20th that is. On that day our child traveled for nearly 4 hours on a bus in the cold and rain to the civil affairs office where a person employed by the social welfare institution she was assigned to handed her over to us. It was the farthest she had ever traveled to that point. Little did she know that within the next two weeks she would travel on three planes, sleep in 3 different cities and hotels before arriving home here in the states. Now, the way my daughter skarfs down chicken nuggets and French fries you would never suspect she was not born in the USA!

I know that everything changed for her. Absolutely everything. Although – in her previous life she had a foster mom who is a saintly woman. The care she took with our child – the love she gave to this baby is (I am convinced) the real reason she is so happy and healthy today. I am certain that she loved this child as her own. I am also sure that she must still miss this baby. I miss her when I am only away at work!! Yes, everything changed in her little life. She wears much fewer clothes these days and she is so physically active now! She has all she wants to eat (though you could hardly consider her anything less than plump when we received her!) and believe me the child eats! I know that the second she stepped into our life HER whole future changed. Perhaps you could say that the second the orphanage director chose to send her paperwork to Beijing – her future changed.

I also know that everything changed for me also. Not just in the way I live my daily life – but something essential inside of me has changed because she is in my life. I suppose all mothers (and fathers) must feel that way – that who you are at the core is essentially and irrevocably altered when a child arrives. That must be so. I won’t say that becoming a mother has made me better or anything….. just that I have changed at a deep level how I view things and how I take information in etc. How I even process things or make decisions. I could not have predicted some of the changes. I know I have been saying that I am hormonal or something that causes excessive weepiness… though that is not what I really mean. I am also not referring to my being a kinder-gentler me, since that is hardly the point. I probably am less so of each – since now I have someone to protect at all costs. Now I get my hackles raised and – there is no such thing as kind or gentle. I am more thoughtful I think (no pun intended, well maybe a little).

I also have a new found sense of bewilderment that I thought had disappeared long ago. Being a mother bewilders me all the time. How do you speak rationally to someone who insists on being irrational and acting in ways that are inherently dangerous and beyond their ability? How do you ‘explain’ to a child that kitties neither appreciate nor tolerate noodles being flung in their faces? Or that fish crackers should not be flying fish crackers? Or that Mommy has to be in the front seat in order to drive the car and the law insists that baby be in the back seat safe and sound while locked in a baby protection device? Or that stepping is a lot of fun….. stepping on a toy the size of a matchbox car is foolish and baby is gonna get hurt? I ask you – how is it possible to do any or all of those things? And yet everyday I must try to do any or all of them!

Today, I had to keep her home because she has a slight ear infection probably from the swimming pool or perhaps the germ pool (aka daycare) whatever. Her pediatrician said she had to stay home today. EFP stayed home with g-ma and I went to work. I cried on the way to work and then fought the tears all day… well occasionally I stepped out of my office and proclaimed to any who cared to hear that I was very sad that I had to leave my baby home with a stupid ear infection…. Oddly the students seemed not to care! (not really my grad students are very kind and caring… ) I felt guilty and irresponsible for her getting an ear infection in the first place. Either because I have been taking her to the pool or because she must be in day care. SO much for I can fry up the bacon and blah blah blah….

I was thinking about all this, in part because I was thinking about referrals… still so happy for the people who got their referrals yesterday!!! And two because it is our 5 month anniversary of arriving home with our baby. So naturally we are trying to think of how we can begin to think about thinking about a second child. Really the issue is that the wait is now so long and unpredictable that we might have to consider getting the paperwork ready to submit the minute we are eligible in order to begin to wait in line again. It is just so hard to think about. Oh, so why are we, well in this paper intense world we inhabit – our 6 month post-placement report may be able to be combined into a home study update – and thereby putting us on the time line to have our paperwork submitted in February 2007 (we are ineligible until February 21, 2007 – since we must wait one full year from the time of EFP’s formal adoption). Though I hold out hope that we will find our next child on a waiting child list – who knows.

No the real reason is the absolute panic I am in over our pending vacation. We now have to think in terms of “family vacation” rather than merely a vacation. Which means, in short, that I can not wear anything other than what I will actually be wearing when we leave home. I can not take any books or meds or make up, no slr camera, certainly no painting implements. In fact, our vacation packing will be all about the baby. SO we are learning about family vacations the easy way – by taking one! Actually planning for this trip has become so stressful we are 1. considering not going or 2. scheduling a short trip to Bermuda to recover from our 2-week family vacation!!!