Saturday, August 21, 2010

When life hands you lemons............

I have to write a letter...  the point of which is to convince someone I am worthy.  This is not a letter I ever wanted to write.. yet, I have written just such a letter at least 3 times before. I  have written to convince people half way around the world that we are fine, capable people who will give a family and good home to children who had no such thing. So far it worked twice and we are waiting until the final confirmation of the third, to say, third time's a charm.   As I search to find the words to put into this letter.. I am trying very hard to determine what is it that makes a person worthy. Is it the rare but stand-out acts of compassion (which ironically may also be the three most selfish things I ever did) or is it the result of hundreds of small acts compounded daily.. the ordinary acts of a regular person... is it found in the acts that demonstrate we are principled and honorable - even if there is some scant evidence that begs to differ? Or, is it in finding oneself on a road less traveled and making the best of it with humor and finding that a less traveled road suited you perfectly.

I know a few things for certain..  but one of them is that I rarely feel "worthy" which probably accounts for the serious procrastination I have experienced in writing this letter.  Deadline looming.. thoughts scattered and other priorities crowding my brain, I have left till last this task.  Is there way to prove worth - or is this something you must prove over and over again.. but showing up, by sticking to it, by standing up or sitting down.. depending. Is it enough to merely try your best everyday in spite of the occasionally weary shoulders.. soldiering on when really a nap is strongly desired.

Is that it then? Continuing on when one wants very much to quit?  Asking for the strength to make it through one more day when one feels an almost unbearable urge to throw in the towel.   I have felt so overwhelmed of late..  for some obvious reasons (knowing a child waits for us is no easy task) and for some known only to our very closest friends and families.  Marriage is a challenge.. staying true through all the slings and arrows of daily onslaught, parenting is challenging.. particularly when sometimes, as the parent, you too want ice cream for dinner and a few days off!!  Friendships are really more like cement - and yet - they change and grow and sometimes you find yourself with friends you certainly don't feel worthy of, people so good and kind and yet so unexpected and wonderful that prayers of thanksgiving are almost not quite enough.


I never saw coming the road I am on..  I never knew that this place existed or that I would have to go there.. not alone, thank goodness, not alone.  Along the way - I discovered that in leaving the highway for this road less traveled, I fell in with a group of fellow travelers that daily demonstrate what worthy means - that true worth is measured in centimeters not miles.. small bit by bit.. one tiny act at a time.. and that one tiny act can mean a world to someone else. Among the common tag lines often used in the world I inhabit it "Adopting a child will not change the world, but for that child the world will change!" It is true, if a bit overused.  But what is doesn't talk about is how the act transforms the people who will become parents.. partners who become completely invested in the changing of the world for that one (or two or three or, dare I say, twelve!) child or children... where one realizes that whatever NEEDS doing MUST be done and by no one else.  So I write a letter to prove my worth for I need to be worthy for my children. Only that..  when my children have literally changed my world in every way possible.  It may be that I needed a new crisis to see things clearly to really try to sort through all the priorities until one or two things triumphed and all that remains are the very heart of my existence. My children, my partner in life.. our family and friends. I may not always feel worthy of the tasks I have been assigned.. I often fall far short of my own expectations.. and disappoint those I love.. there are lessons still for me to learn.  I humbly accept those lessons and try my best to become worthy of the precious gifts I have been given.. hoping that I can continue to provide the love and care they need, be a better mother, wife, sister, aunt, friend, colleague and become truly worthy of all I have been given.

3 comments:

Donna said...

So, how's the letter coming along? :)

Donna
Our Blog: Double Happiness!

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Serving the King said...

Happy birthday sweet girl! How great that there are pics of her foster parents too!! Wow! I've never seen that before! Jacob gets his cake tomorrow(tonight) so I'm hoping for much the same pics to post! So happy for you!!

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