Saturday, October 07, 2006

When the moon......... in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.................

An appropriate opening for this week when the Chinese celebrate the Moon Festival. As I mentioned previously we celebrated the Moon Festival at a local park with tons of our friends! It's a great time to reflect on our ancestors. I have been reflecting on mine - well, at least my Mother. She has been on my mind quite a bit - both for those things she did and those she did not. I miss her but the happier memories are starting to rise to the surface and I am grateful for that. This time of year is a time to give thanks for the gifts our ancestors have given us - I am thankful for the resiliency that seems to be my gift. My DH also seems to have received the gift of resiliency and hopefulness also. When you see the moon - it's the same moon that our foremothers saw and they too looked with hope and dreams. It's the same moon I saw while I waited for the person who whould change my life forever - and she may also have been looking at the moon. Is it a coincidence that Goodnight Moon is her favorite book?

I also reference some other mystic happenings. It's not that I have switched to the 'other' side - I am still the usual skeptic I have always been. Somtimes though there are clear signs that the path I am on is the correct path. This has been one of those times where my path is clear. I may be nervous and a little unsure of myself - but I have been saying something for the last 2 weeks that I think bear repeating and is more than a little applicable these days.

"Just because something is hard (and there is a chance your heart will be broken) doesn't mean you shouldn't do it."

Indeed, everything worth doing is hard in one way or another. I was speaking with someone about buying a house - how the process is so complex and is harder than you think it possibly could be. When we bought our house - it seemed like the hardest thing I had ever done... till we adopted. Now - I know what hard is. I had thought that the process of obtaining a mortgage, where one feels like they are under a microscope and there is a certain amount of being judged 'worthy' or 'unworthy' that is inherent and stays with you for a while after you assume that incredible financial committment. But honestly - I did not know the first thing about scrutiny till we entered the adoption process.

Oddly enough - in baring my entire life to virtual strangers on both sides of the world - I have been able to once and for all rid myself of some demons that have haunted my progress over the years. Stemming from a childhood where some of the most important lessons were absent - it took me a litte longer to figure out what everyone else seemed to know. When I returned to school and completed my masters and entered the PhD program - I sort of figured out everyone (to some extent) is just trying to figure things out. I haven't met too many (though there have been a few) people who knew exactly where they fit in this world - what their special gift was. I am not sure I have found mine either - so I try to be helpful. I do know that I am not afraid anymore of the hard things, or being laughed at or even falling down while taking a leap of faith. I described our journey to become parents as a real leap of faith - faith that I would be able to withstand the scrutiny and invasion of my privacy that was necessary to the process. Withstand the judgement in the face of my own fears as to what kind of Mother would I be - it is hard (though not impossible) to remain positive when you are afraid SOMEONE else will say you are not capable. Thankfully, I did stay in it - it was hard but I did it anyway. And the rewards are a bounty and also an unlooked for gift of joy and a true connection with motherhood. I never knew how much I was capable of loving another person... unconditionally and completely. I had some glimpses when my niece and nephew were born - since I do love them to the moon and back, but it just isn't the same as when that love is reflected back at you as with my child. All the love I give her is reflected back to me... same for her daddy.

I have also come to understand why some people are reticent to shake that up and add a second child. It's hard to believe that once you have poured everything you have into one child - who becomes the center of your universe - that you could then add a another little something to revolve around. I have a suspicion about this as well - that just as I didn't know what it would mean to love one child and the reality has turned out to be so much more than I was capable of believing for me - that adding a second just increases the love you have to give. Instead of dividing - you multiply. Some friends of ours are already anticipating the arrival of a second child - and I bless them for it. My friend already gets that her heart will grow twice as large with the addition of another incredible child to love. My sister got it... I suppose many many people have figured that out.

Things are going very well for us at this point. We have put our moving plans on hold for a while. We realized that EFP is not ready to leave her butterfly and cloud paradise and she would be so sad if she had to. And since I can't imagine that we could duplicate the walls and art - I wouldn't even try. During the nearly two years we waited we had a lot of time to plan and prepare a glorious setting for our darling to come home to, changing her room would be very hard to do under normal moving the household (short of time and cash) circumstances. I am ok with this decision and while you may be reading between the lines that there is more to this decision than meets the eye - believe me, I will change residences the very minute that it is feasible and not likely to cause irreparable harm to our family.

In the meantime - why not go outside tonight and take a peak at the glorious Moon. Think about how far you have come and how magical the journey has been. Give thanks for your ancestors (the good and bad) for even the bad times have left an indellible mark on your soul and you are a better person for having survived. Look up and make a wish - for yourself and your future self, maybe wish a little peace on your past self. I know I will.


Lisa & Oliver said...

You won't be the only one looking at the moom during the Autumn Moon festival and thinking of their own ancestors, as well as the ancestors of their Chinese darling!
She is adorable and I enjoyed reading your posts.

Lisa & Oliver said...

Thanks so much for your comment on our blog.
We will be checking in on you again to see what EFP is up to!

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