Thursday, January 11, 2007

Can I get some faith?

In a rather stunning departure from our regularly scheduled program - I am asking, no begging for someone to tell me how to get the faith. Pedex does believe our package was delivered and that we will have proof eventually. Meanwhile I can not find out for certain till next week. I sent our home study out anyway and hopefully they receive them both and put them together.

Where I am missing the faith is - that I often feel this was a rash decision on my part. With DHs help of course. We are just about where we need to be in order to pay for this adventure (knowing that we have a long wait helps - but there is a big chunk to be put away for the trip and last bit of expenses and thankfully we have a plan - it's almost like the IRS knows this will happen the tax credit for one pays for the next....) but there are a few gaps and a few gasps. If the time to referral should speed up - we would be in big trouble. How could we afford two in daycare. I suppose we would have to find someone who would sit the kids here or a family situation. I get worried about that - almost panicky - in the reverse of how it was last time. Last time I felt our referral could not come soon enough and with this one - well. 2 years would be ideal, closer to three even better. Though of course my heart is ready now. Our finances are not ready - but our hearts are.

So how do I reach out to believe that this will all work out? That this decision to leap WAS in fact a leap of faith and not a leap into financial ruin for all four of us. I wish I had that sustaining belief that nothing happens without a reason, I have been known to believe that. I do in a way.. and I know that last time it all worked out beautifully. I couldn't ask for a better baby. We are so happy that she is here. It is so hard to be worried that whatever decision I make - sibling or no sibling will not be the right one, yet I feel that in spite of how hard it is going to be to afford - we really need to do this. Oh wow.

Then there are the new regulations about adopting from China. I mean who am I to argue with a whole country. Should I have taken the hint that we would be excluded under the new rules to mean that we should not be trying for a second child? Or was it meant to do what we ultimately chose - to go ahead and pursue our second adoption. I honestly can't say for sure. I just hope that if I keep praying to the universe that all will be well - that it will in face be well. That the money will be there when we need it, that this child will be in our family, that the daycare situation will be ok and that EFP will be happy to be a big sister.

Cute baby stuff ahead: She has started yelling "Mommy" just to see if I will answer!! I love that!!


MomEtc. said...

We are kind of in the same boat. Fortunately with the agency we are using I think the fees are substatially lower than next time. I am worried most about daycare expenses. We'll be paying at least $1800 a month once Little Guy comes home. Don't really know how we'll swing it, although our condo doesn't have a tenant right now and that would help. I think we just have to have blind faith and just go out there and live life. We'll figure it out!

redmaryjanes said...

We are going through the same feelings and questions, but we have faith in God. It sounds like you do too. You are on the right track. You are meant to have another child. Don't worry about what rules are changing after you, focus on the doors opening in front of you. Bring your daughter home : )

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