A sad end to a promising start

Being cryptic is not my usual MO - but bear with me. A few readers will know what this is about and those who do not - can either read between the lines or put two and two together and be very close to where we are.

DH and I have re-started the process to become foster-adopt parents. We have been attending classes and doing a mound of paperwork. Maybe, gentle reader, you have deduced that from earlier hints. We are a few weeks away from completing the process and being certified. Yes we have literally put aside every other project in order to devote all our energies to making sure this happens. It has been a rewarding experience and I am really looking forward to being at the end. It's actually been more fun this time and as I mentioned to a friend earlier this evening, I am enjoying being somewhat free of the shame I felt in my unorthodox upbringing and it's attendant mishaps.

To have managed to get this far and be free from the effects of what I perceived to be others judgment of my choices or life path is a precious gift indeed. I am more able to see that this path is one I was meant to travel and although there are times I am aware that my DH has had to travel these winding roads with me, he has actually been as committed as I AND when recently offered an out to all this - did what he usually does: namely, surprised me by saying that of course we would not take the 'easy' way and give up. He said we are in this for the long-haul and somehow this will all come out right. My experience says that any thing I have gained has been hard-fought and proves to be worth is all in the end. As for what to do with all the other feelings circulating... well, aside from some anger about how badly the situation was managed I am doing OK. I truly believe there will be another child in my house before too long. I don't know how or why but I know that much - in my heart.

My baby is so amazing and wonderful that there are no words to describe how incredible she is or how being her Mom is just my best of everything. I am not feeling deprived or that EFP is in anyway lacking. Indeed, it is because she is so amazing that I feel ready for the last piece of the puzzle that is our family.