Thursday, December 09, 2010

Today sucks and a chicken head.

So my little person who doesn't like me.... screamed most of the day - except when we were in the park. I made the mistake of letting our fabulous guide help too much and now she thinks she is being abandoned by yet another person... ugh.  She has been absolutely horrible today... screaming, kicking, hurting herself.. everything you can think of... all part of her intense grieving and inability (developmentally) to understand what is going on. She hasn't actually said she doesn't like me.. she just wants me to go away. When we got back to the room - she was exhausted but she was screaming herself (full blown full contact tantrum complete with kicking, throwing etc.) raw.. and finally fell asleep.. I rocked her for about an hour - but she will not bend at all.

Tonight I decided to stay in and keep things quiet.. and when Vicky left she had another full blown tantrum - then she calmed somewhat when everyone stopped by with some left over dinner... very left over, I might add. They brought the chicken head as a joke and a few bites of whatever. I can not tell you how un-funny it was. Upset as I am - not having eaten all day (not much breakfast because her majesty wasn't cooperative) no time for lunch and then a not funny dinner.. when everyone left the tantrum started all over again. Now she has exhausted herself to sleep in her clothes.. and screamed for Ayi (I am actually thinking she means Susan the guide) for about 30 minutes before falling into an exhausted sleep. This is just awful! I though our sojourn in Lanzhou was bad - it is nothing compared to a child whose only means of expression is screaming and carrying on. I know she is grieving and understandably confused, angry, sad and probably somewhat afraid...but it is hard to watch and be around...  I miss my children and now of course wonder what the H I was thinking... I just need a break at some point... 5 minutes of happiness at the beginning.. and then full blown misery all the rest. I hit my knee against the wall this morning so I am also in some pain.. (yes, OF COURSE it is the bad knee) and I just don't know what I will do if this doesn't turn around soon.  I can't imagine dealing with her in an airport or on a plane for 13.5 hours... it is hard to imagine at all. I hope I can make it through tomorrow when they go to the SWI - and we stay behind.. I am not sure I dare leave the freaking room.  I am really distraught.. (in case you were wondering) and wondering how we will manage.  Convinced as I am that I should not bring her back...  if I had a crystal ball.... though if I had and I saw what was going on now - there is not much that could have convinced me to leave my family, take a month off of work and fly halfway round the world so I could be screamed at in Chinese.  And to think I did this on purpose.  I think I will turn in myself... sans chicken head dinner... maybe things will look better in the morning. I miss home so much.. I can hardly stand it.

24 comments:

Colleen said...

Love you Sissy! It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. This is the hardest part. You did not make a mistake. She needs to do this and it is such a good sign, that she one day will love you so much that if anyone comes between you, she will give them an earful!!!

Chinazhoumom said...

Hang in there - order room service - and hang out - this too shall pass!! Big hugs going across the miles - you have alot of support propping you up!
Carol in FL

Karrie said...

Call your guide. Call your agency. You need help. You need a break, just a few minutes out, by yourself to regroup. You need to eat. Can your guide bring you something? Can a family in your group help out? Ask for the help you need. Sometimes others don't think to offer. You need support. Hoping and praying it turns around soon for you both. I can only imagine how exhausted you are. Try to take it one day at a time.

Best wishes for a better day tomorrow.

Karrie

Tobi and Tyan said...

Oh Missy I wish I could do something to help Please know I am thinking and sending hugs your way !! it will get better !! When you get home and you want a break please drop her off for a few hours If you need anything I'm here for you !!! xoxoxo Tobi

Stacy said...

Missy,
I will reiterate what the others above have said.
This WILL pass. It WILL get better. Promise.
And, take a break out of the room- ALONE! You need a break emotionally!! Ask for help.

I am so sorry this is going so badly. My heart is breaking for you. I am praying hard for you, my friend.

Hang in there. Take it one day at a time and get a break. We are thinking of you and praying for you.

Much love,
Stacy

Kirsten said...

Oh, Missy, this is so hard! Hang in there. We're rooting for you! I agree with what others have said about getting some relief- and some food. Try to take care of yourself.
Kirsten

Mom 2 Joe, LilyRose, Mason said...

Missy, I'm pretty sure that you don't want to hear "it will pass" and "things will get better" b/c I know you know that already. I understand your pain and frustration and wish there was something i could do for you. didn't your friend go to China with you?!? Will Cassia let her help you? I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending calming thoughts your way. Hang in there, you will be home soon.

A said...

Hi,
I know you don't know me from Adam, but I started following your blog recently. I have no experience with anything you are going through, but reading about your experiences has really touched my heart. I just wanted to add my support.
Stay srong.
A

Ladyblog said...

Hang in there! I know that is so much easier said than done, but good things in life are not always easy. It will probably take a long time to bond with her, so give it time.... Grief is good and shows that she has the ability to bond and bond deeply.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me either, I started reading your blog a while ago and you touched my heart by all your love and dedication to your children. I adopted an 8 year old and it wasn't easy at all and I questioned myself so many times too. Here we are 1 1/2 years later and he is an absolutely an amazing kid. It took a little time but he is worth every moment and I wouldn't change it for the world. Do ask for help as everyone said and hang in there. You are in my thoughts and prayers; I pray God will give you strength you need to get through this difficult time. You are meant to be her mama :)

Kelley said...

Oh bless your heart! I can relate, on a very small scale...we were in China in August and I could never sit down or even have a cup of coffee in the morning, our 18 month old was so fussy. It was a very tough trip, and we didn't experience 1/10th of the scope of what you're going through now. Hang in there...it's a very difficult adjustment for both of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you...just take one minute at a time, Missy, and do what you can to get some help and support in China.

Kristen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

HI Missy,
You don't know me, I am new to FCCLI and just started reading your blog- which I LOVE. I love your honesty and sincerity. I don't have any experience in this matter, but know that so many calming and positive thoughts are being sent your way the past few days! As another suggested can you get a sitter for a little while to get out and clear your head? Do they have any videos she can watch reexplaining what is happening in her little life right now? She will come around in time and she will always remember how much you loved her and stayed with her...and what a gift that will be.
Chris

Kristen said...

Oh Missy!! Sending a hug just doesnt seem sufficient! Wish I was there with you to help out! It WILL get better..and you didnt come this far to give up now..yes, the bonding is important but its also important for you to take care of YOURSELF...so you can be strong and calm for her...EAT, lady!! I'm sure you can get something delivered. Call your guide! Get a little respite. And keep telling yourself - "All this negative behavior is Fear-based". In your post you mention she is "somewhat afraid"...I think she is probably terrified. It is traumatic for her.(.I know you know that!) She is in "self-protection"mode, and reverting....she WILL come around with time and love....girls are tougher than boys (in my experience!) If you need extra advice.help/support when ou get home, I have found the Attach-China yahoo group to be a great resource. HUGS anyway!!! Will be praying for you & Miss Sassy Pants!!! xxxoooo

Anonymous said...

oh, Missy, it's been great talking w you! I wish I was there to lend a helping hand. I know its hard but she will come around, it will all be worth it. She needs to take her time to grieve. I really think when L and L get there today, that will be a help. Hugs, thoughts, prayers and Love being sent to you on the other side of the world! Sheila

Anonymous said...

yep, take a break. Run, not walk to the nearest kfc, mcd, or pizza hut and call your family/friends. Even if you only eat 2 bites b/c you're sick to your stomach from stress, it will give you a semblance of home. mentally re-boot. Call your agency, too, for support.

then wade right back into the fight. b/c in an odd way it is a fight or perhaps war from the sound of things...for her love and trust. Realize you may not win it in china. If you can't win it in china, your job is to survive and get her home. any way you can.

while I usually never advocate drugging kids for any reason, you both have an international flight to endure. If this continues, I suggest consulting a doc to get some meds to sedate her. Hopefully, you'll never have to use them, but having them in your back pocket "just in case" may give you a measure of comfort. My prayer for you is that it never comes to that.

I hardly know you, and my heart is breaking for you. Stay strong, we all have faith in you. You're stronger than you think. You may feel as if you're losing all the battles at the moment, but you will win the war...you just need time.

I wish you strength and peace.

David and Lisa said...

Hi Missy,
I think everyone has given you some great advice- definately try to get out even for just 10 minutes to breathe. Attach-China is a great yahoo group if you need ideas. My calming thoughts are with you. This will just take a lot of time. Big Hugs xoxoxo
Lisa

lpiccoli said...

Missy, gosh, I wish I could be there to reassure you that things WILL get better. Remember my frantic phone call and posts when Emma first came home? I did wonder if she would ever turn around, and she did! I wondered what the h&$# I had done to my family and to the poor little girl I dragged across the world. It is so tough, and they are SO scared, and you are so homesick...HANG in there!!!! This soon will be a very distant memory!!!!

Big hugs from GA.

Laura

Donna said...

Missy,

We love you. You will make it through this as will Cassia, and when you come home, things will settle down. In the interim, have your guide sit with Cassia for an hour or so so you can get out and take a breather. You will feel so much better after you have a break. Your batteries need recharging and you must take care of yourself too. Try not to take her screaming at you personally. Faith cursed us out daily for weeks. Hell, she still does, but now at least it's in english so we can understand it, LOL! Here if you need me, day or night. XOXO, Donna

Heather Austin said...

Missy,
My heart is aching for you. Fu Jiao is confused and angry and grieving for her foster family and everything that was familiar to her. Do not take it personally.

Our daughter, Savannah/Long Qi, who shared the same foster family as Fu Jiao, was only at the foster home for a month but made strong ties with the family. I know that Cassia was there much longer. I truly believe that they were loved and well taken care of there so it must be hard for her to leave.

It will get better. I see a sweet, loving girl in those eyes. She will come to you.

Heather Austin

Mi Hilo Rojo said...

Missy,
I can't add anything. She will be better and better.
Wheres your guide? Ask for help.

Continue with my Novena and prayers.

HUgs

Mei-Ling

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. This is crazy hard for you both, but it will get better. You are family now.
Take care, Liz

Doug and Terrye said...

Missy, You're determined spirit and incredible love will get you through this. On my journey through adoption I have always been encouraged by your strength and fortitude, and it is those qualities that I am praying take you through these next days/weeks.
Many Panda hugs!!!
Terrye in FL

Erin said...

I can't imagine how hard it is for you - a totally exhausted, hungry, emotionally drained, home-sick momma to go through having her little girl that she waited and prayed for all this time just totally reject you. I have heard the same cries of exhaustion, second thoughts, fears, and desperation many times through the years. What I can tell you is that it really, really, really DOES get better. But I can't tell you when. You already know she is freaking out because her entire world has been turned upside down and there is no way for her to imagine how wonderful her future will be with a mommy like you. All she sees is her own fear and grief and that you seem the be the cause of it. You ARE a wonderful, loving mommy. She will bond with you and one day be so in love with you. One day she will even be old enough and mature enough to know how blessed she is. One day, you will be as in love with her as you are with your other precious boy and girl and you will look back on this hard time in awe of where you've come from. One day. For THIS day, be comforted that it's just that - this day and that you will have many wonderful tomorrows but it will just take time for love and trust to grow. You're going to be ok Momma and so is Miss Sassy. Treat yourself to Starbucks, watch silly soaps you don't understand, take a deep breath and know it's all going to be ok!

Praying for you and Miss Sassy.

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